Allowing

This week has been a week of work and pretty much nothing else. I am fully aware that I am the one who made that choice and I am not after sympathy or any kind of pat on the back.

During the week I looked forward to today. A day off, a day to myself, a day of rest.

The question I have for myself at this point is why do I feel the need to do something after having constantly done something for the past 6 days. Would it not be better to just allow myself time to relax and recharge my batteries?

The answer of course is yes, but then the next question sets in: What do I do to relax and recharge??

Do I really have to do something? Can I instead just “be” and enjoy every moment of today. Tomorrow hasn’t happened yet and yesterday is gone. I only have right now and it is my choice what I do with my present!

Need for Approval

The Need for Approval was one of my first posts on this blog and has remained the most popular ever since. I initially wrote it for another blog about 3 years ago which I have since deleted. What I haven’t done until now is to revisit it really to see where I am but also to, at least, offer some insight into what I believe helped me move forward.

When I first wrote it, it was a way for me to understand why I would do certain things and behave in a certain way. I was under the impression that I was the only one having this issue to deal with.

Have I moved forward since I wrote the initial post? Absolutely! but there’s still work to do. I have come to a place where I accept myself and respect myself for who I am, most of the time. I have learned to to stop myself when I do something purely to get approval.

Whenever I get the urge to tell someone about some kind of achievement, I stop myself and ask why I want to tell that person! Am I telling them just to hear them say “well done” or is there a real purpose in me telling them? I still give in to the urge now and again but the point is that at least now I manage to stop myself and question whether I am doing it for a valid reason or simply to gain approval.

I wanted to stop feeding the need for approval from others and this was difficult, especially in the beginning, but after a while I kind of started giving myself approval instead. I began to realise that when I gave myself approval the need to get it from external sources gradually lost it’s power.

There are times when, even after I question the motive, I still allow myself to act just for the sake of approval and that’s ok. Change does not happen instantly, it happens gradually.

I would be lying if I told you that it has completely disappeared, but compared to 18 months ago I am much more in control.

I really do not have a specific method of getting rid of this need. I have tried various approaches, some of which worked well, but my real failure here was not keeping a record of exactly what I did, which means I am having to rely purely on memory.

Reading “You Can Heal YourLife” was a major part in helping me to get to where I am now. It helped me understand that the reason I felt the need for approval from external sources was because I didn’t get it from myself. It helped me understand that the reason I didn’t get approval from myself was because I constantly felt I wasn’t good enough! Good enough for what??? I am not sure!

I followed the instructions in that book for the first time in my life and I in all honesty it was strange to begin with. Some of them made me feel silly and I felt so much resistance in the shape of the voice in my mind (my ego) telling me that this was a waste of time. One of the instruction is to affirm to yourself over and over again “I love and approve of myself” and while this seems easy enough, this was the part I felt the most resistance towards. Not because I refused to actually love and approve of myself but because I found the idea so silly that I had a hard time doing it. Luckily I perservered and I still say that phrase to myself, mostly without even thinking about it. Sometimes I create little songs in my head and sing away “I love and approve of myself”. I obviously do not sing it out loud in fear of being sectioned under the mental health act!

But maybe the fact that I kept doing it for so long meant that I eventually ended up actually believing it.

In addition to the affirmation I began telling myself that no matter what, I am always doing the best that I can in that particular moment. This may not be good enough by someone else’s standards but I kept telling myself that I did the best that I could.

No matter where you are in life, no matter what you are trying to achieve, there will always be someone ahead of you. Someone who may have a lot more experience, more training, more help. For me, the important part was to stop comparing myself to other people’s achievements and focus on my own journey. This reduced the impatience and urgency to get to the end result and helped me focus on the journey itself. I am not suggesting that one should stop learning from the successes of others. I still get inspired and learn from people who are more successful than me in whatever area you want to succeed at, but I now learn without feeling like a failure because they are better than me. I no longer compare myself with others.

I do not believe any person is better or any worse than anyone else. It’s down to experience, circumstances and other factors. I may be perceived at being better at doing my job than a colleague (or worse) but I really do not believe that I am. I may have more experience, better circumstances, better tools etc.

When I don’t compare myself to others, I feel more at peace with myself and I seem to function better. I still have work to do but I also see and feel the improvement.

Unexpected Teachers

Why do we cross paths with certain people in our lives?

It is sometimes mind boggling to me just how many people I have crossed paths with in my life and how they have had an impact on my life and also how I may have had an impact on theirs.

I have had (and still have) people in my life who always look out for me and who are always there at just the right time! I may not have been there for them in the same way, which sometimes makes me feel guilty and somewhat selfish. Then again, I have been there for other people and may have been there for them at just the right time.

There are people who have been in my life for so long that I would not want to imagine life without them and then there are people I have known for just as long or even longer where the relationship has just naturally disappeared.

Then there are times when we come into contact with people who present us with challenges (sometimes unreasonable challenges) or who seem to make our life a misery whenever we come in contact with them. I have crossed paths with my fair share and on reflection I often handled these situations very badly, usually with negative emotions like anger and frustration. I still go into that automatic way of reacting some times.

Then I started thinking; “what if, for some reason, I attracted these people and behaviours into my life ?” and my initial reaction to that was, “why on earth would I want to attract these people into my life?”

I obviously don’t sit at home at night consciously thinking about attracting challenging people and situations into my life!! I’d like to think I have some degree of sanity left! But, what if these people are sent to teach us something? (I mean me of course!)

Is it possible, that if we go through a spell of being continually exposed to people we generally consider inconsiderate, arrogant, rude, demanding etc, it could just be another opportunity to learn a lesson we may have missed the first few times?

If I take my “need for approval” as an example. I still go through spells of needing approval from external sources to feel good about myself, which means I haven’t fully mastered this lesson yet. I am, however, much more aware of it than when I first wrote about it 18 months ago. Still, I am crossing paths with people where this resurfaces. At the moment it is predominantly in the work arena, which  I think is because unless I do a certain number of sales each week I am made to feel “not good enough” or the phrase that they prefer to use is: “This is not where you want to be!” so when I have weeks of doing well I have this urge to phone my boss and tell her, which gives me nothing more than a “well done”! When I step outside of that circle I don’t even care about the “well done” because it really means nothing.

All I want is to be allowed to do my job and do what is best for my clients whether that leads to a sale or not!

At this point this post nearly turned into another long rant about work but I will save that for my journal.

I do know that no one can make me feel as if I am not good enough unless I let them or unless I feel that I am not good enough.

Maybe this is just one of those lessons that will take some more practice for me to learn and when I have truly mastered it, I will no longer come in contact with these kind of people.

Perhaps the lesson within the lesson is for me to remember that when I do come in contact with difficult people it is just another lesson for me to learn!

Luckily I meet more happy, loving, caring and inspiring people, who I learn so much more from than the difficult ones.

I don’t have a huge circle of friends but the ones I have are priceless and I am forever grateful to have crossed paths with them and to have them in my life.

I have the most wonderful family who I love dearly.

And then there are all of you wonderful people I have met and connected with through blogging.

I am struggling to find the words to express my love and gratitude for the sincerity and kindness I have experienced since I started writing here.

You have inspired me at just the right time.

You have picked me up when I felt down.

You have made me laugh and made me cry.

Whenever I visit your blogs, I feel so at home.

When you visit here, I feel blessed.

I have learned so much from all of you and I feel so privileged to have crossed paths with all of you.

Thank You

My Entangled Mind

I am in a strange feeling space today and I while do know that I chose to tread this path I am not sure why!

Earlier I read “bee in a bottle” which describes exactly how I feel at this moment and I am trying to understand why I have chosen to embrace this feeling.

I am having a day off work today in lieu of having worked last Saturday and yet I am feeling a strange sense of guilt for not being in! I keep telling myself (and so do my friends) that I deserve to have time off. Time to myself. I have so many things I could be doing instead of just sitting here.

I could be reading “Poker without cards” which I have wanted to read again for a while now (and also wanted to introduce here)  but somehow always found something else to do with my time. I guess right now I have chosen to write as a way of escaping this feeling but as I type this I am feeling there is something else I “should” be doing. There’s that word again – “should”

I often ask myself what it is that I really want and have never really sat down and consciously decided on what that is, so maybe now is a good time to give it a go.

Money seems to always be on top of my list although I have never really set a specific amount and more importantly I never really asked myself why.

I would love to be financially free, which to me means that I can choose to work whenever I want to instead of having to work to get by. In other words have enough money that would continue to provide an income whether I chose to work or not.

Why do I want this and what would I do?

Would I just stay at home every day doing nothing? No, I think boredom would kick in within a few hours of that and I would lose my sense of purpose (whatever my purpose is!)

Would I quit my job? I am kind of undecided at his point. I think that if I stayed I would do my job better and I would also be better at expressing my point of view without the fear of losing my job.  I do love aspects of my job, specifically the people I get to meet (well most of them) but there are many aspects I really loathe about my job too.

Would I buy a big house in a fancy location? Probably not. I think I am at the belief that material things do not bring me happiness, at least not for very long. I have, however, always dreamed of having a place by the sea. The sea has always had the most calming effect on me and mountains too.

Would I change my lifestyle? Generally no, although I would probably travel more. I love visiting new places and learning about different cultures.

So if I wouldn’t really change much of my current lifestyle, then why do I want the financial freedom?

This seems a hard question for me to answer but since I have started this I might as well try to find at least one.

Other than the fact that it would give me choices, I think I would be more true to myself and wouldn’t need approval from anyone else (guess this is still an issue then!)

I would also be able to do what I want to do, which is something else I have to work out exactly what that is!

When I was younger I had this dream of me having a nice house with a recording studio and just creating music for a living. I have never wanted any kind of fame and never saw myself performing in front of an audience. I just love the process of creating music and I love how playing and creating music makes me feel. The dream obviously has yet to materialise.

Lately I have had recurring thoughts that I would like to work in some kind of counselling/therapy sort of role, but at present I have no qualifications in this field but I do have a burning desire to help people. Then again, part of me thinks that if I can’t help myself how can I even begin to contemplate helping others.

Another dream of mine was to open my own restaurant, which is a field I do have a lot of experience in but have yet to explore further. Not convinced at this point if I desire this enough to put in the work required!

Then there’s writing. I have always wanted to write a book and again I am not exactly sure why, other than I love the process of writing. I have no experience and wouldn’t have a clue where to start nor do I have any idea of what to write about. I just love the process.

The question is; are these choices only available to people with financial freedom?

I think they are available to me exactly where I am now but so far I have failed to make any of these choices!

Is there a part of me that is afraid of the choices? Am I holding on to my lack of money for some reason I have yet to discover?

Most of the time I quite like how my mind works but there are times, like right now, where I would love to be able to just switch it off and experience peace.

Right now I feel like a very tired “bee in a bottle”