Need for Approval

The Need for Approval was one of my first posts on this blog and has remained the most popular ever since. I initially wrote it for another blog about 3 years ago which I have since deleted. What I haven’t done until now is to revisit it really to see where I am but also to, at least, offer some insight into what I believe helped me move forward.

When I first wrote it, it was a way for me to understand why I would do certain things and behave in a certain way. I was under the impression that I was the only one having this issue to deal with.

Have I moved forward since I wrote the initial post? Absolutely! but there’s still work to do. I have come to a place where I accept myself and respect myself for who I am, most of the time. I have learned to to stop myself when I do something purely to get approval.

Whenever I get the urge to tell someone about some kind of achievement, I stop myself and ask why I want to tell that person! Am I telling them just to hear them say “well done” or is there a real purpose in me telling them? I still give in to the urge now and again but the point is that at least now I manage to stop myself and question whether I am doing it for a valid reason or simply to gain approval.

I wanted to stop feeding the need for approval from others and this was difficult, especially in the beginning, but after a while I kind of started giving myself approval instead. I began to realise that when I gave myself approval the need to get it from external sources gradually lost it’s power.

There are times when, even after I question the motive, I still allow myself to act just for the sake of approval and that’s ok. Change does not happen instantly, it happens gradually.

I would be lying if I told you that it has completely disappeared, but compared to 18 months ago I am much more in control.

I really do not have a specific method of getting rid of this need. I have tried various approaches, some of which worked well, but my real failure here was not keeping a record of exactly what I did, which means I am having to rely purely on memory.

Reading “You Can Heal YourLife” was a major part in helping me to get to where I am now. It helped me understand that the reason I felt the need for approval from external sources was because I didn’t get it from myself. It helped me understand that the reason I didn’t get approval from myself was because I constantly felt I wasn’t good enough! Good enough for what??? I am not sure!

I followed the instructions in that book for the first time in my life and I in all honesty it was strange to begin with. Some of them made me feel silly and I felt so much resistance in the shape of the voice in my mind (my ego) telling me that this was a waste of time. One of the instruction is to affirm to yourself over and over again “I love and approve of myself” and while this seems easy enough, this was the part I felt the most resistance towards. Not because I refused to actually love and approve of myself but because I found the idea so silly that I had a hard time doing it. Luckily I perservered and I still say that phrase to myself, mostly without even thinking about it. Sometimes I create little songs in my head and sing away “I love and approve of myself”. I obviously do not sing it out loud in fear of being sectioned under the mental health act!

But maybe the fact that I kept doing it for so long meant that I eventually ended up actually believing it.

In addition to the affirmation I began telling myself that no matter what, I am always doing the best that I can in that particular moment. This may not be good enough by someone else’s standards but I kept telling myself that I did the best that I could.

No matter where you are in life, no matter what you are trying to achieve, there will always be someone ahead of you. Someone who may have a lot more experience, more training, more help. For me, the important part was to stop comparing myself to other people’s achievements and focus on my own journey. This reduced the impatience and urgency to get to the end result and helped me focus on the journey itself. I am not suggesting that one should stop learning from the successes of others. I still get inspired and learn from people who are more successful than me in whatever area you want to succeed at, but I now learn without feeling like a failure because they are better than me. I no longer compare myself with others.

I do not believe any person is better or any worse than anyone else. It’s down to experience, circumstances and other factors. I may be perceived at being better at doing my job than a colleague (or worse) but I really do not believe that I am. I may have more experience, better circumstances, better tools etc.

When I don’t compare myself to others, I feel more at peace with myself and I seem to function better. I still have work to do but I also see and feel the improvement.

Unexpected Teachers

Why do we cross paths with certain people in our lives?

It is sometimes mind boggling to me just how many people I have crossed paths with in my life and how they have had an impact on my life and also how I may have had an impact on theirs.

I have had (and still have) people in my life who always look out for me and who are always there at just the right time! I may not have been there for them in the same way, which sometimes makes me feel guilty and somewhat selfish. Then again, I have been there for other people and may have been there for them at just the right time.

There are people who have been in my life for so long that I would not want to imagine life without them and then there are people I have known for just as long or even longer where the relationship has just naturally disappeared.

Then there are times when we come into contact with people who present us with challenges (sometimes unreasonable challenges) or who seem to make our life a misery whenever we come in contact with them. I have crossed paths with my fair share and on reflection I often handled these situations very badly, usually with negative emotions like anger and frustration. I still go into that automatic way of reacting some times.

Then I started thinking; “what if, for some reason, I attracted these people and behaviours into my life ?” and my initial reaction to that was, “why on earth would I want to attract these people into my life?”

I obviously don’t sit at home at night consciously thinking about attracting challenging people and situations into my life!! I’d like to think I have some degree of sanity left! But, what if these people are sent to teach us something? (I mean me of course!)

Is it possible, that if we go through a spell of being continually exposed to people we generally consider inconsiderate, arrogant, rude, demanding etc, it could just be another opportunity to learn a lesson we may have missed the first few times?

If I take my “need for approval” as an example. I still go through spells of needing approval from external sources to feel good about myself, which means I haven’t fully mastered this lesson yet. I am, however, much more aware of it than when I first wrote about it 18 months ago. Still, I am crossing paths with people where this resurfaces. At the moment it is predominantly in the work arena, which  I think is because unless I do a certain number of sales each week I am made to feel “not good enough” or the phrase that they prefer to use is: “This is not where you want to be!” so when I have weeks of doing well I have this urge to phone my boss and tell her, which gives me nothing more than a “well done”! When I step outside of that circle I don’t even care about the “well done” because it really means nothing.

All I want is to be allowed to do my job and do what is best for my clients whether that leads to a sale or not!

At this point this post nearly turned into another long rant about work but I will save that for my journal.

I do know that no one can make me feel as if I am not good enough unless I let them or unless I feel that I am not good enough.

Maybe this is just one of those lessons that will take some more practice for me to learn and when I have truly mastered it, I will no longer come in contact with these kind of people.

Perhaps the lesson within the lesson is for me to remember that when I do come in contact with difficult people it is just another lesson for me to learn!

Luckily I meet more happy, loving, caring and inspiring people, who I learn so much more from than the difficult ones.

I don’t have a huge circle of friends but the ones I have are priceless and I am forever grateful to have crossed paths with them and to have them in my life.

I have the most wonderful family who I love dearly.

And then there are all of you wonderful people I have met and connected with through blogging.

I am struggling to find the words to express my love and gratitude for the sincerity and kindness I have experienced since I started writing here.

You have inspired me at just the right time.

You have picked me up when I felt down.

You have made me laugh and made me cry.

Whenever I visit your blogs, I feel so at home.

When you visit here, I feel blessed.

I have learned so much from all of you and I feel so privileged to have crossed paths with all of you.

Thank You

Emotional Clutter Part 2

If you haven’t already done so, it may make more sense if you take a minute to read the first part of  Emotional Clutter.

If you want your own copy you can get if free by clicking the picture below

INSTRUCTIONS — Circle the number that comes closest to representing how true the statement is for you right now. Be honest with yourself. You must be ready for the process you are about to engage in to be able to receive the maximum benefit from the process discussed in this book.
Less True / More True Statement

• 1 2 3 (4) 5 I have a high level of (circle all appropriate) (desire)/excitement/(urgency)/(pain) to make the necessary changes in my life and to actualize the outcome I seek.

• 1 2 (3) 4 5 I realize to make the changes I want, I need to apply myself. I am ready right now to put the requisite focus, time and effort towards making the changes I seek.

• 1 (2) 3 4 5 I believe that circumstances impact me, and that I’m not really responsible for my own behavior, actions and the conditions I am now experiencing.

• 1 2 3 (4) 5 I am willing to do whatever is necessary (as long as it is legal and ethical) to break through limitations or obstacles that are in my way.

• 1 2 3 4 (5) I am willing to “try on” new concepts or different ways of approaching things and to engage in this process fully.

• (1) 2 3 4 5 I believe that just knowing WHY I do something will fix the problem. I won’t need to take any additional action.

• 1 2 3 4 (5) I will be honest with myself about information that is pertinent to my situation and achieving my goals.

• 1 2 3 (4) 5 I am committed to the process of transforming my life and feel comfortable making an investment in myself.

• 1 2 3 4 (5) I am willing to trust that wise part of myself–my unconscious mind–that knows what is best for me, even if I don’t know where the answers it provides may lead.

• 1 2 3 (4) 5 I can embrace a philosophy that says that I am responsible for my own life.

• (1) 2 3 4 5 I am not willing to give up the stories that have defined me for so long, especially if they focus on negative things that have happened to me.

• 1 2 (3) 4 5 If I am working with someone else to get rid of my emotional clutter, I will provide immediate feedback if I feel that I am not getting what I need to help me work toward my goal.

• 1 2 3 (4) 5 I believe it is possible for me to get rid of my emotional clutter even if I’m not really sure how to do it.

• 1 2 3 4 (5) I am willing to see this process through to completion.

(At the end of this, there is an explanation of the score of each statement)

The Four Questions to Ask to Know if You Are Ready to Change

(I am using the need for approval for this one, since it seemed to be the theme in part one)

1. What will happen if you let it go?
Imagine and consider all the possibilities, both good and bad.

• I will be better at standing up for myself
• I will be true to myself and my beliefs
• I may lose some of my friends
• I will be more assertive
• I may lose the the desire to see the good in everyone I meet
• The fear of making mistakes will vanish and so will procrastination
• I will be better equipped to go for what I want
• I will have more respect for myself
• My confidence will improve
• People may like me less
• I may be perceived as arrogant
• My feelings of anxiety will diminish or disappear
• I will be able to be me

2. What will happen if you don’t let it go?
Again, imagine and consider all the possibilities—good and bad.

• I will stay where I am
• I will lose more self respect and self esteem
• I will be perceived at being needy
• I will go to greater lengths to get approval
• I will end up spending the rest of my life alone
• I will maintain the ability to see the good in any situation or argument.

3. What won’t happen if you let it go?
What will you miss?

Before I list down what came out I want to explain that this question took some effort and I had to take a break from it. For some reason I couldn’t really understand the question until I changed it to “What will you miss if you let go of your need for approval?” The initial answers still didn’t feel right so I have put in brackets what thoughts followed the answer

• I will miss my ability to see the good point of any argument. (You will keep that ability)
• I will miss people giving me compliments. (There is no logical reason why that will stop)
• I will miss the motivation to do stuff like this. (You can choose to do stuff like this whenever you want in whatever area you want to grow)
• I will miss the sympathy and attention I sometimes get. (Really??)
• I will miss feeling safe in my comfort zone. (You can go back whenever you choose to)

4. What won’t happen if you don’t let it go?
Does having this problem “protect” you in some way?

• I won’t have to risk people not liking me
• I won’t have to worry about being rejected
• I won’t have to step outside my comfort zone
• I won’t have to show who I really am

This has really been an eyeopening exercise for me and I am beginning to wonder where part 3 might lead me, with a feeling of hope and excitement.

Emotional Clutter

Yesterday I created a new blog because I wanted to try to write my personal journal online. I have been quite inconsistent in writing my paper journal lately and when I started questioning myself about it, 2 answers came up;

1. Because I write more on here
2. Because I still sometimes feel I am writing as if someone might read it one day and thus not always being totally honest with myself.

So I figured if I write in this format and password protect the posts I can write away knowing that it stays with me.

I also figured it would be a good place to record the exercises I am doing on “You Can Heal Your Life” and “Emotional Clutter” as it would be easier to refer back to rather than having to flick through pages to find something.

I think I made the right choice as my writing seems to flow really well.

Today started with me feeling disconnected and alone, but having gone through the first few exercises of “Emotional Clutter” I am feeling much more positive and less alone!

I have not finished the book yet, and I don’t even know if I did the exercises right, but I gave it a go and my mood has shifted as a result.

Exercise 1.

Pick an area of your life that isn’t working as well as you would like. Sit down with a pad of paper and brainstorm about all the beliefs you grew up with, beliefs your family may have had about this particular topic.

Write them down as fast as you think of them. You are only recording them; not evaluating them.

Feeling I am not good enough.  In order for me to feel good enough I have to please everyone.

Feeling I should do better - In order for me to get approval I have to do better.

Feeling  that my parents love my brother more than me – Believing that I am not worthy of their love.

Feeling I should be more sensible with money. Believing that there is not enough money to go around

Feeling that I should make my parents proud of me. To feel loved I have to make them proud of me.

Feeling that I should do better at work. To gain approval from my boss I have to do better than the rest of my team.

Feeling that no one wants to be with me. Believing that I have to reach a certain financial status and personal stage before anyone would want to be in a relationship with me.

Exercise 2

In order to figure out what your identity is, do the following exercise:

1. Write down all the roles you play. For example, are you a mother or father, a sister or brother, a son or daughter, a niece or nephew, a grandparent, a grandson or grand-daughter? Are you an employee? Are you a business owner? What is your job title? What are all the roles you play at
work? Are you a taxpayer? A customer? A driver? A homeowner? A renter? A church-goer? Keep going, these are only a few of the possible roles you play. Just brainstorm and keep writing.

I am a son, a brother, a friend, an employee, a grandson, a mortgage adviser, a human being, a colleague, a blogger, a musician, a writer.

2. Write down all the characteristics you can think of about yourself. Are you shy? Outgoing? Organized? Disorganized? Sad? Depressed? Grieving? Happy? Joyful? Enthusiastic? Competent? Stressed? Intelligent? Stupid? Verbal? Have trouble expressing yourself? Healthy? Unhealthy? Capable? Incapable of doing X? Good speller? Bad speller?

Think of all the skills you have (or don’t have). Think about your talents. Think about your personality traits. Think also about your potentials. What could you do if you wanted to? Write it all down.

I am a good listener, I often feel sad, I am often anxious, I am intelligent, I find it difficult to open up to my friends and family, I am disorganised at work, I am healthy, I have bad habits, I am good at gaining people’s trust, I am loyal, I can keep secrets easily, I am loving, I am kind, I make people laugh easily, I am a learner, I am musically talented, I could write a book, I could write music, I could be better at my job.

3. Next write down all the things in which you are interested. What are your passions? What are some of your smaller interests? What do you like to do in your spare time? What do you never have enough time to pursue? What would you like to learn more about?

I am passionate about music, writing, blogging, reading, cooking, Formula 1, learning stuff like this, spending time with friends (which I have not done lately), walking in nature (haven’t done this for a while either)

4. Write down the ways that people categorize you. Are you married, single, divorced, widowed? How old are you? Are you male or female? Straight or gay? A senior citizen? A Gen X-er?
A Democrat? A Republican? Blue collar, white collar or pink collar? Are you employed or unemployed? Think of all the ways people (and you) attempt to capture the categories to which you might belong.

I am single, male, age 37, straight, employed, spiritual, friendly, understanding, funny, honest, easy to approach, non judgmental, positive (interesting!), compassionate, loving, sincere.

5. Next, write down a brief phrase that captures your stories. Are you a battered woman? An abuse survivor? A hurricane survivor? A person who worked 3 jobs to put himself through college?

I am trying find myself after feeling lost for far too long.

6. Finally, think about some of the ways in which you are different than others. Do you have certain eccentricities that make you unique? For example, are you double-jointed? Do you yodel for fun? Think of as many ways as possible to capture your differences.

I am left handed/footed when it comes to sports, but I write with my right hand, I live in a foreign country, Mountains and the sea makes me feel at ease with myself (As if I belong!). I don’t watch the news or much TV in general, I am not a football/soccer fan (In the UK that’s highly unusual – some would probably say it means I must be gay!!) or a sports fan in general, except Formula 1, which I do love watching.

That’s it for part 1

Best wishes

J

The book is available free at the link below.

http://www.innerresourcecenter.com/IR_ebook.html