Unexpected Teachers

Why do we cross paths with certain people in our lives?

It is sometimes mind boggling to me just how many people I have crossed paths with in my life and how they have had an impact on my life and also how I may have had an impact on theirs.

I have had (and still have) people in my life who always look out for me and who are always there at just the right time! I may not have been there for them in the same way, which sometimes makes me feel guilty and somewhat selfish. Then again, I have been there for other people and may have been there for them at just the right time.

There are people who have been in my life for so long that I would not want to imagine life without them and then there are people I have known for just as long or even longer where the relationship has just naturally disappeared.

Then there are times when we come into contact with people who present us with challenges (sometimes unreasonable challenges) or who seem to make our life a misery whenever we come in contact with them. I have crossed paths with my fair share and on reflection I often handled these situations very badly, usually with negative emotions like anger and frustration. I still go into that automatic way of reacting some times.

Then I started thinking; “what if, for some reason, I attracted these people and behaviours into my life ?” and my initial reaction to that was, “why on earth would I want to attract these people into my life?”

I obviously don’t sit at home at night consciously thinking about attracting challenging people and situations into my life!! I’d like to think I have some degree of sanity left! But, what if these people are sent to teach us something? (I mean me of course!)

Is it possible, that if we go through a spell of being continually exposed to people we generally consider inconsiderate, arrogant, rude, demanding etc, it could just be another opportunity to learn a lesson we may have missed the first few times?

If I take my “need for approval” as an example. I still go through spells of needing approval from external sources to feel good about myself, which means I haven’t fully mastered this lesson yet. I am, however, much more aware of it than when I first wrote about it 18 months ago. Still, I am crossing paths with people where this resurfaces. At the moment it is predominantly in the work arena, which  I think is because unless I do a certain number of sales each week I am made to feel “not good enough” or the phrase that they prefer to use is: “This is not where you want to be!” so when I have weeks of doing well I have this urge to phone my boss and tell her, which gives me nothing more than a “well done”! When I step outside of that circle I don’t even care about the “well done” because it really means nothing.

All I want is to be allowed to do my job and do what is best for my clients whether that leads to a sale or not!

At this point this post nearly turned into another long rant about work but I will save that for my journal.

I do know that no one can make me feel as if I am not good enough unless I let them or unless I feel that I am not good enough.

Maybe this is just one of those lessons that will take some more practice for me to learn and when I have truly mastered it, I will no longer come in contact with these kind of people.

Perhaps the lesson within the lesson is for me to remember that when I do come in contact with difficult people it is just another lesson for me to learn!

Luckily I meet more happy, loving, caring and inspiring people, who I learn so much more from than the difficult ones.

I don’t have a huge circle of friends but the ones I have are priceless and I am forever grateful to have crossed paths with them and to have them in my life.

I have the most wonderful family who I love dearly.

And then there are all of you wonderful people I have met and connected with through blogging.

I am struggling to find the words to express my love and gratitude for the sincerity and kindness I have experienced since I started writing here.

You have inspired me at just the right time.

You have picked me up when I felt down.

You have made me laugh and made me cry.

Whenever I visit your blogs, I feel so at home.

When you visit here, I feel blessed.

I have learned so much from all of you and I feel so privileged to have crossed paths with all of you.

Thank You

The Destructive Side of Comfortable.

I guess there’s no real danger involved in being comfortable but for me it really has been a challenge that I have never really been aware of.

Feeling comfortable in itself is the not the real challenge, it is the choices (or lack of) I make when I feel comfortable.

While I was away on holiday/vacation I had no real opportunity to write stuff down but plenty of time to reflect on things and one of these was why my life has been like an emotional roller coaster over the past few years.  I wondered why I felt I had no control over the ups and downs until I started thinking back on the times when I had experienced times of feeling happiness, joy, confidence, calm and at peace with everything versus the times when anxiety and fear came back to rear it’s ugly head.

I had been thinking about this before I went away but then got caught up in everyday life and didn’t really explore it further, partly because I couldn’t really get my head around what I was thinking.

Now I am beginning to believe that feeling comfortable is (or has the potential to be) destructive for me! I know this may sound like I have completely lost the plot once and for all! I am writing this to try to explain it to myself and to convince myself that I haven’t lost it completely!

Feeling comfortable of course is a good feeling. For me it means no anxiety or fear about the future, be it financial worries (I know that one far too well) or fear of illness etc. It also means I find it easier to stay present for longer.

The negative or destructive aspect about feeling comfortable for me is the fact that I stop learning and growing. It is like a part of me convinces me that my work is done and that all is perfect. It’s not until I am back down in the “dark hole” and having to find a way out, that I start again.

It’s only when I seem to be in a place of pain that I find the strength and motivation to get back on the right path (wherever that may be).

This leads me to question if there’s an element of me being in the “dark hole” that I am holding onto, and if so, why? I know I will have to explore that further.

Why do I seem to create these situations for myself? It sometimes feels like all the work I had done up until that point has been undone and that I am right back where I started!  When I get a chance to put this feeling into perspective I realise that, even though I may be back where I started, I have learned a lot along the way and maybe this is just an opportunity to learn lessons again. Lessons I may have not been ready for at the time!

Maybe the lesson for me here is to remember (yet again) that it’s the journey that matters and not the end result!

Being in Love

How did I manage to fall for you so deeply?

Knowing that it will never become a reality.

When I first told you how I felt you made it clear that it wouldn’t happen and yet the feeling is here stronger than ever.

Spending all day with you yesterday was the most beautiful gift and while I am reduced to loving you from a distance I cherish every moment I have with you. I am grateful we have remained close friends and that there hasn’t been any awkwardness between us. I know you want to try and work out your relationship with him and I sincerely hope it does work out. I will still be your friend and hopefully one day the feelings for you will diminish to the point where I will allow others in. Until then, nobody else stands a chance!

Being in love with you has at times given me the most wonderful feelings of joy and happiness and at other times (like now) it hurts. Do I hold on to the hope that maybe one day we will be together or do I try to find a way of letting go and accepting that maybe we are only meant to be friends?

I know that you feel something for me too but I also understand why you want to work out your relationship. It would be very selfish of me to assume that you would be ready for a new relationship at this point anyway, and I really do not want to be a confusion in your life.

However, I don’t know how to stop the feelings I have for you and I sometimes wonder if I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone. I know I sound like I am coming from a point of self pity here and I guess that right now there is an element of that.

I have been in love before and eventually the feelings disappeared. With you it seems to go the other way. Is there a reason or a lesson for me here??

Maybe one day I will know the answer!

Compassion

I have just come home from a client visit which has left me somewhat mentally drained.

Not because they were demanding but because of what one of them are going through.

It left me with a desire to help and yet I feel unable to.

It is a lovely young couple wanting to buy their first home together. Initially I wasn’t able to fit them in as they could only be available on a Saturday and I was fully booked, but when I realised that they live very close to me  I offered to drop by their house on my way home. When I first spoke to him on the phone and offered to come around he sounded kind of grumpy and showed no sign of gratitude for the fact that I would sacrifice my own time to come and see them out of work hours.  My assumption could not be further from the truth and I feel ashamed that I made that assumption in the first place.

I had promised to ring them before coming around and managed to leave without his number, and decided to go home to google his name hoping to find some kind of contact number. I found his work number and thought maybe he’ll have a voice mail listing his mobile/cell number only to find out that there was no voice mail.

What the google search did reveal is what left me ashamed of having judged him based on a telephone conversation; I found a newspaper article and discovered that he had been diagnosed with severe cancer and given a year to live. Even worse, he had found out that there was a drug available that could prolong his life but due to the cost of that drug the health service would not help. Fortunately through a lot of fighting he won the battle with the health service.

When I saw them today I felt a desire to help that I have not felt before.  Both of them are wonderful people and I find it so difficult to observe anyone going through things like this.

I have always found it very difficult to observe people going though hard times, even people I would normally avoid.

I often wonder why I so often get so emotionally attached to people I have just met, in the sense that I somehow make it my responsibility to ease their burden and hardship. A responsibility I have no chance of fulfilling, but I still keep trying to in the hope that maybe one day I will.

I did leave in the solace that he has a wonderfully caring girlfriend, who I am sure is helping him and giving him a reason to keep fighting. I would hate for anyone to have to face anything like this on their own.

Still, I am left here with a burning desire to do something to help and can’t think of how! Also I am trying to work out why our paths crossed as I believe less and less in pure coincidence. I have come to believe that there is a reason for the compassion I feel and the desire I feel to help.

My thoughts and prayers are with them both and one day I will know the reason we met.