Who is J?

A few of you know my real name, which by the way does start with the letter J, 2 people know me personally as I work with one and the other being a close friend, but apart from that I am still anonymous in the cyberworld!

At times I am not sure if even I know who the real J is, which is why I want to keep searching, keep peeling away layers to see what is revealed. Some of the times it has revealed things I wanted to hide again, but I now realize that in order to find my self I will need to find a way of accepting what I uncover as the layers are peeled away. As I have decided to embark on a journey to locate the root cause for the problems and challenges I am sometimes faced with, maybe by revealing who I am (or at least my name) this is a step towards that. At this point I am filled with anxiety and fear at the prospect of revealing my real name. Why? Because if people that know me were to read I am not sure what their reaction(s) would be. There is a fear that I may lose friends in the process or that I may be branded a nutcase. There is also a chance that I may upset people I know by some of the posts I have written. Some may be upset because I never gave them a chance to listen or never allowed them in, others may be upset because they don’t know how to help and don’t want to see me hurt. Another factor that has kept me anonymous is the fear that some may want to try to stop me from doing this, for reasons I described in “Dream Stealers”.

In truth, I am tired of wearing all these masks. The masks I am wearing to protect myself from conflict and lack of approval, but in reality, all the masks are doing, is reinforcing the need for approval from others and reducing approval from myself.

Is it possible that the fear and anxiety I am feeling is not my true self but my ego being scared? I suspect this could be the case. If it is, I have no need to be afraid of what other people may think. Could it be that it is my ego and not my true self that needs this approval?  If this is the case I need to change my approach. If my demons are a trick played by my ego to keep me from uncovering more layers then I could be in for a different kind of journey than what I expected and maybe this is the point. Maybe I have been searching in all the wrong places.

This post seems to have developed a life of it’s own. It isn’t exactly what I set out to write, but from a personal perspective, I am happy it did develop like this!

I feel light and positive and I feel like a new chapter is beginning to open. I have no idea what this chapter has in store for me and I don’t really think that is  important thing at this point. I think it is more important for me to understand that this is a long journey of small steps, which can throw me in different directions. I also need to remind myself of the fact that it will include shadows as well as light!.

Right now I feel like an archaeologist fighting his/her way through cobwebs and stuff that has been hidden for years unsure of what will be discovered.

Ok, it’s time to take a step outside my comfort zone:

My real name is Jesper (pronounced Yesper) and I was born in Denmark in 1971. I spent the majority of my life in a small village until I moved to the UK 12 years ago, the reasons for which is another post in itself. This may not seem like a big step for someone reading this but for me it is a massive leap!

The truth is, I have revealed more of myself on here than to anyone I know. I have never needed to wear any masks when writing on here and this is the one place where I can express myself freely without fear of beeing judged. By saying this I don’t suggest that everyone agrees with me and I wouldn’t expect that. I always welcome a different point of view as it helps me grow.

I am now left in the hope that this is not a mistake!

Unexpected Teachers

Why do we cross paths with certain people in our lives?

It is sometimes mind boggling to me just how many people I have crossed paths with in my life and how they have had an impact on my life and also how I may have had an impact on theirs.

I have had (and still have) people in my life who always look out for me and who are always there at just the right time! I may not have been there for them in the same way, which sometimes makes me feel guilty and somewhat selfish. Then again, I have been there for other people and may have been there for them at just the right time.

There are people who have been in my life for so long that I would not want to imagine life without them and then there are people I have known for just as long or even longer where the relationship has just naturally disappeared.

Then there are times when we come into contact with people who present us with challenges (sometimes unreasonable challenges) or who seem to make our life a misery whenever we come in contact with them. I have crossed paths with my fair share and on reflection I often handled these situations very badly, usually with negative emotions like anger and frustration. I still go into that automatic way of reacting some times.

Then I started thinking; “what if, for some reason, I attracted these people and behaviours into my life ?” and my initial reaction to that was, “why on earth would I want to attract these people into my life?”

I obviously don’t sit at home at night consciously thinking about attracting challenging people and situations into my life!! I’d like to think I have some degree of sanity left! But, what if these people are sent to teach us something? (I mean me of course!)

Is it possible, that if we go through a spell of being continually exposed to people we generally consider inconsiderate, arrogant, rude, demanding etc, it could just be another opportunity to learn a lesson we may have missed the first few times?

If I take my “need for approval” as an example. I still go through spells of needing approval from external sources to feel good about myself, which means I haven’t fully mastered this lesson yet. I am, however, much more aware of it than when I first wrote about it 18 months ago. Still, I am crossing paths with people where this resurfaces. At the moment it is predominantly in the work arena, which  I think is because unless I do a certain number of sales each week I am made to feel “not good enough” or the phrase that they prefer to use is: “This is not where you want to be!” so when I have weeks of doing well I have this urge to phone my boss and tell her, which gives me nothing more than a “well done”! When I step outside of that circle I don’t even care about the “well done” because it really means nothing.

All I want is to be allowed to do my job and do what is best for my clients whether that leads to a sale or not!

At this point this post nearly turned into another long rant about work but I will save that for my journal.

I do know that no one can make me feel as if I am not good enough unless I let them or unless I feel that I am not good enough.

Maybe this is just one of those lessons that will take some more practice for me to learn and when I have truly mastered it, I will no longer come in contact with these kind of people.

Perhaps the lesson within the lesson is for me to remember that when I do come in contact with difficult people it is just another lesson for me to learn!

Luckily I meet more happy, loving, caring and inspiring people, who I learn so much more from than the difficult ones.

I don’t have a huge circle of friends but the ones I have are priceless and I am forever grateful to have crossed paths with them and to have them in my life.

I have the most wonderful family who I love dearly.

And then there are all of you wonderful people I have met and connected with through blogging.

I am struggling to find the words to express my love and gratitude for the sincerity and kindness I have experienced since I started writing here.

You have inspired me at just the right time.

You have picked me up when I felt down.

You have made me laugh and made me cry.

Whenever I visit your blogs, I feel so at home.

When you visit here, I feel blessed.

I have learned so much from all of you and I feel so privileged to have crossed paths with all of you.

Thank You

A Lesson in Adversity

Another wake up call came my way today in the shape of an empty bank account, which means that for the next 2 weeks I am having to live on the bare minimum.

This is, of course, not the first time that I have been in this situation and previously my reaction to this realisation would be one of adopting the attitude that this would now be my reality for the rest of my life, resulting in feeling despair for days and days after the event. And it wasn’t just around money either.

Whatever adversity I would be faced with, my instant reaction would be one of having no hope of improvement! Where did this come from? And why have I not been aware of it until now I wonder?!

My initial reaction today was a repetition of my usual reaction, but this time it was so brief and it was as if there was a voice telling me that “everything is fine as it is and will work out fine,  and that since there is nothing I can do at this moment to change this, worrying about the next 2 weeks will be a waste of energy”

I guess that having a very busy day at work was a good thing, but then again, in the past I would usually completely lose my focus as my mind would fill with images of doom and gloom and it would take a huge amount of effort to snap out of it.

I am extremely happy that I didn’t react in the usual way today and while I am curious to understand what caused this positive change in reaction, I think it is more important for me to remember today next time I am faced with a set back.

Today feels like a “strange” but positive turning point.

While the next 2 weeks may prove challenging, this is the first time I am at a belief that it is only a set back (with another lesson) and that it is only temporary.

I will leave you with these beautiful words that perfectly sums up how I feel. (Thank you Fibi)

“Everything is as it should be – if it was meant to be any different – it would be..”

Making a Difference

I have wanted to write this “story” for nearly a year now but what held me back was the fear that by writing it I would be deemed to blow my own trumpet! That feeling is still here to a certain extent and as I am writing this I am still undecided as to whether or not I should post it.

the point of the story  has nothing to do with blowing my own trumpet but instead one of the most important lessons in my life.  A lesson about helping another human being during a time where I could have so easily dismissed her as wasting my time.

In my job I generally have 2 – 5 clients coming to see me every day. Most of them I have never met before, some of them I know and some have become wonderful friends. This particular lady came to me hoping to reduce her payments on her mortgage as 18 months previously she had contracted cancer and as a result had no other option than to take some time off work while going through treatment. My first instinct was that I could probably reduce her payments by a meager £30 per month and I wanted to do better than that because I felt she deserved it (not sure at what point I appointed myself the judge of who deserves what!!)

It may be worth mentioning that my job unfortunately involves having a “sales target” (those 2 words put together always makes me cringe) and that the time spent with her would not get me any closer to it. However, a lesson I learned a long time ago, is that honesty and no bullshit is the only way to develop good relationships and since I learned that lesson I have lived by it.

Another factor (I think) was that I had just finished “Fish Philosophy” (See the post Choose You Attitude) which is why I chose to just “Be There”

Our first meeting lasted no more than 30 minutes or so and throughout I remained focused on finding some way of improving her situation. I decided   to go through all her regular expenses. I felt that if I could only save her such a small amount each month on her mortgage there had to be another way of reducing her outgoings further. During this exercise we discovered that she had an insurance payment going out of her account, which had been active for a long time. She had no idea what it was for and had no paperwork with her. I told her to go home and dig out any kind of paperwork that could shed some light on it and then come back.

She did exactly that! She came back with the biggest carrier back full of all kinds of letters, contracts, financial statements etc and her comment was; “you’ll regret asking me to come back”. We spent (mostly me) a long time sorting through it all and actually ended up getting rid of the majority of it. However, amongst all of this the insurance policy emerged and it became apparent that it covered her for the cancer she had been diagnosed with. The only problem at that point was the fact that you  generally have to claim within the first 12 months of diagnosis and at this point 18 moths had passed. Between us we decided that she had everything to gain and nothing to lose, although she straight away felt it would be a waste of time and I think she did not want to get her hopes up only to feel disappointed when (in her mind) they’d tell her she’d missed the deadline. I phoned the insurance company and explained what she’d been through.

In retrospect it appears that the Universe or God had arranged for people to be extremely helpful that day because the guy I spoke to was (and I am sure still is) wonderful. He kept it simple and arranged for a claim form to be sent out. We arranged to meet a week later as she felt it would be too overwhelming for her to fill it in on her own.

When we met the 3rd time it didn’t feel like a client visiting anymore but more like a friend visiting for a coffee and a chat. We filled in the claim form, sent it off with fingers crossed. She still did not believe it would happen and in all honesty I had my doubts too, but at this point something had happened in me. I was filled with a desire to fight for her to make sure it came through and this time it wasn’t to gain any kind of approval or a pat on the back for a job well done. All I wanted was for this to come through for her.

About a week after we sent of the claim form I went on holiday in Scotland for a week. When I came back to work and checked my diary I noticed she was scheduled to come in to see me. I figured that she’d had some more paperwork through that she wanted help with and didn’t give it another thought.

I was in for a little surprise when she came in. She looked at me and then gave me the biggest hug. Not only did they pay out enough to pay of her mortgage, she was left with £7,500 to spare. While I had been away she been out buying a computer, which she had always wanted but could never afford and was so excited telling me about going on google earth etc. It’s impossible to describe how I felt. I was so incredibly grateful that the Universe or whatever you want to call i came through for us.

She wrote the most wonderful letter to my boss and I did get a lot of recognition as a result. However the recognition was very short lived and it actually did not mean a lot to me.

My real reward was the day she came back and told me that it had paid out. My reward was the look on her face, the face of a person who I had only met 4 times in my life. Most of all, the reward was how I felt in myself for taking the time to give another person my full and undivided attention and knowing that I made a difference in her life!

I will never forget that part of my journey. It was one of the most fulfilling days of my life and to this day I think I helped myself more than I helped her!