Unexpected Teachers

Why do we cross paths with certain people in our lives?

It is sometimes mind boggling to me just how many people I have crossed paths with in my life and how they have had an impact on my life and also how I may have had an impact on theirs.

I have had (and still have) people in my life who always look out for me and who are always there at just the right time! I may not have been there for them in the same way, which sometimes makes me feel guilty and somewhat selfish. Then again, I have been there for other people and may have been there for them at just the right time.

There are people who have been in my life for so long that I would not want to imagine life without them and then there are people I have known for just as long or even longer where the relationship has just naturally disappeared.

Then there are times when we come into contact with people who present us with challenges (sometimes unreasonable challenges) or who seem to make our life a misery whenever we come in contact with them. I have crossed paths with my fair share and on reflection I often handled these situations very badly, usually with negative emotions like anger and frustration. I still go into that automatic way of reacting some times.

Then I started thinking; “what if, for some reason, I attracted these people and behaviours into my life ?” and my initial reaction to that was, “why on earth would I want to attract these people into my life?”

I obviously don’t sit at home at night consciously thinking about attracting challenging people and situations into my life!! I’d like to think I have some degree of sanity left! But, what if these people are sent to teach us something? (I mean me of course!)

Is it possible, that if we go through a spell of being continually exposed to people we generally consider inconsiderate, arrogant, rude, demanding etc, it could just be another opportunity to learn a lesson we may have missed the first few times?

If I take my “need for approval” as an example. I still go through spells of needing approval from external sources to feel good about myself, which means I haven’t fully mastered this lesson yet. I am, however, much more aware of it than when I first wrote about it 18 months ago. Still, I am crossing paths with people where this resurfaces. At the moment it is predominantly in the work arena, which  I think is because unless I do a certain number of sales each week I am made to feel “not good enough” or the phrase that they prefer to use is: “This is not where you want to be!” so when I have weeks of doing well I have this urge to phone my boss and tell her, which gives me nothing more than a “well done”! When I step outside of that circle I don’t even care about the “well done” because it really means nothing.

All I want is to be allowed to do my job and do what is best for my clients whether that leads to a sale or not!

At this point this post nearly turned into another long rant about work but I will save that for my journal.

I do know that no one can make me feel as if I am not good enough unless I let them or unless I feel that I am not good enough.

Maybe this is just one of those lessons that will take some more practice for me to learn and when I have truly mastered it, I will no longer come in contact with these kind of people.

Perhaps the lesson within the lesson is for me to remember that when I do come in contact with difficult people it is just another lesson for me to learn!

Luckily I meet more happy, loving, caring and inspiring people, who I learn so much more from than the difficult ones.

I don’t have a huge circle of friends but the ones I have are priceless and I am forever grateful to have crossed paths with them and to have them in my life.

I have the most wonderful family who I love dearly.

And then there are all of you wonderful people I have met and connected with through blogging.

I am struggling to find the words to express my love and gratitude for the sincerity and kindness I have experienced since I started writing here.

You have inspired me at just the right time.

You have picked me up when I felt down.

You have made me laugh and made me cry.

Whenever I visit your blogs, I feel so at home.

When you visit here, I feel blessed.

I have learned so much from all of you and I feel so privileged to have crossed paths with all of you.

Thank You

Being Unique

I have the right to be who I am and  the right to love who i am without anyone else’s influence or judgment. There is only one of me, which makes me unique and there is only one of you which makes you unique, with qualities that are unique to you.

I always try my best not to pass judgment on anyone I meet regardless of their “so called” social status.

The other day at work I decided to go for a walk to clear my head and some guy stops me in the street to say hello. At this point I am trying to work out where I know him from, because the way he greeted me he seemed to know me. It soon became apparent that I had never met the guy before in my life, but I thought to myself, maybe there’s a reason for this “coincidental” meeting. He started by saying that whenever he talked to people they would get bored and walk away, which kind of threw me a little.

Ok! in all honesty, my initial reaction was to find an excuse to get away as quickly as possible! For some reason I didn’t though and I said to him that I wasn’t bored which is true, but I was feeling somewhat uncomfortable about the whole thing. There wasn’t much to the conversation other than for a few minutes I gave him my full attention and listened to him until he told me it was time for him to go (maybe I was boring him!) but afterwards I thought, how easily I could have walked away dismissing him as just being some crazy guy with no value to add to my life and I am so glad I didn’t.

Who actually decided that some people are better than others purely based on their profession, social status or the amount of money in their bank account?

I am not coming from a point of envy here. In my job I come in contact with extremely wealthy and successful people and most of them are truly wonderful people. I also come in contact with people who have absolutely nothing and most of them are really wonderful people too. (There are exceptions in both cases!)

My point is the fact that, every time I feel that I am not good enough or I could have done better, it is always when I either compare myself to someone who has done “better” than me or more importantly, when I (in my mind) haven’t lived up to what I think someone else has expected of me. This could be my boss, a friend, a family member etc.

On the other hand when I accept that I did the best that I could with the knowledge, skills and the frame of mind I was in at that particular moment, I always feel good.

I often reflect back on what I could have done better, but that just means that I have learned a lesson.

I am getting increasingly more tired of society’s constant need for us to fit into to certain categories, which (in  my opinion) is largely fuelled by the media and advertising industry. I only have to turn on my TV to learn what is wrong me and exactly what product to buy to rectify the problem I never knew existed until “they” told me about it.

Is it possible that all they are doing is leaving us wanting more, without actually knowing what it is that we really want.  Could this be part of the reason why some of us feel so disconnected from life and ourselves?

I have realized that what often makes me unhappy or sad is when I compare myself to people who seemingly do better than me, but when I break it down, the comparison to these successful people comes from someone else’s perspective  and expectations of me. When I am in tune with myself I am proud of where I am and what I have accomplished.

This blog has turned into the place where I can truly express myself and be me and I feel at home here.

One of my favourite past times now is reading other blogs and I am at times lost for words for the gratitude I feel when reading words that have inspired me and have spoken to me as if it was written for me. I have learned more from these words than most of the alledged self help gurus that I willingly gave my money to. I am not saying that all the self help material out there is a waste of time and money. There are some truly wonderful teachers out there but there are as many “marketers” out there who fails to deliver what they promise.

Please take some time to read  Sheeps & Wolves by Zen and The Art of Tightrope Walking and Unbridled Permission by iwishicouldtellyou. These are perfect examples of how someone else’s words have inspired me.

I think that one of the reasons why a lot of people decide to write a blog or journal is because it gives them a way to expess and be themselves without the scrutiny of the “sheeps of normal society”.

I am one of them and I am proud to be different.

J

Searching Within

I have been trying to find out what created my irrational need for approval from others for a while now.
Theoretically I know that it’s irrational and that as long as I love and approve of myself, the need would disappear in time.
However, I still seem to let it control my behaviours and actions and still find myself in situations where I give it power.

When I break it down and analyze it, the approval itself is very short lived and doesn’t actually give me anything of value. It just seems to feed my need for more!

I want to find out where it came from and I want to find a way of eliminating it. I know that loving myself is a part of the process and I am working on that, but I figured that if I can get to the root of it then maybe it will be easier to move forward.

As always, when I am in situations like this I tend to look for answers outside myself instead of looking within.
Actually, “looking within” is something I still want to fully understand, because so far it is mentioned in a lot of places but either I am totally blind to the message or it isn’t explained in a way that my mind can understand.

The easiest way for me to “look within” is writing my journal, where I can be completely honest with myself, not worrying that anyone would ever read it.

Today I wrote for about 2 hours non stop and memories started to surface. Initially I was tempted to copy the whole journal entry on here, but at the moment it doesn’t feel right.
What I did learn was that my need for love and approval has been down to a few people and now I think that the next step for me is to find a way to forgive them (they are not to blame – they did the best they could) and release the past.

Searching for answers outside of myself today proved to be beneficial, because had I not read THIS I wouldn’t have searched for answers within myself.

Starting Again

Since my last post I wanted to start with a fresh approach and take my time with it.

I wasn’t quite sure where to start. Actually, that is not true. I knew I wanted to start with “You can Heal Your Life” by  Louise Hay, it has just taken me until now to actually start it! I knew I wanted to follow the steps in that book pretty much as soon as I had finished writing the post and every day since I have been telling myself to just start it! (How easily one can find excuses for not starting!!!)

I have read the book cover to cover 4 times now but I have never really followed the instructions. I have however, gained something everytime I have read it. I think that the reason I want to start with this book is because the main focus is around loving oneself, gratitude and forgiveness. I think this is a good starting point for me.

Yesterday I read the first chapter, which is really just reading. Tonight I am on chapter 2 but I haven’t finished it yet because the first exercise brought up something that I thought I had become better at controlling! The need for approval or the fear of not getting it!

Basically the exercise started with me writing “I SHOULD” on the top of a piece of paper and then make a list of as many things as you can.

When the list is complete then go through it one by one starting with “I should_____________”, and then ask yourself why you should!

2nd part of the exercise is to go through the list again, but this time you start the sentence with; “If I really wanted to I could________________” and then ask “Why haven’t you?”

I had quite a few things on my list but actually not as many as I had thought before I started! However, the one that brought up the need for approval was: “I should stop procrastinating”

When I got to the 2nd part I wrote “If I really wanted to I could stop procrastinating” and then “Why haven’t you?”

The answers are as follows:

• Because sometimes I feel safer not having to risk failing.
• Because I am afraid of making mistakes.
• Because I may end up feeling rejected.
• Because if I make a mistake or don’t do it perfectly, people won’t like me as much anymore
• Because I don’t know how to.
• Because I am afraid what other people will think.

There were a few more than that but they were very similar.

Before and during this exercise I even managed to throw a bit of procrastination into the mix in the shape of finding other things to do, such as, cleaning the bathroom, phoning a friend (not in the “who wants to be a millionaire” way)  and dealing with 2 clients!

However, I did finish the exercise and I actually feel pretty good as a result, even if it has brought up the approval issue again. At least I am aware of it again and I am also aware of the “I SHOULD’s” that I keep telling myself.

I still have more of chapter 2 to go through but for the first time I don’t feel a sense of urgency to finish it and I am proud that I did the exercise.