Where did the last 6 months go?
Why didn’t I write anything?
In truth, I was contemplating deleting the blog and just forgetting about it. I kept telling myself that maybe one day I would start a new one and because it would be a fresh start it would be easier to keep it going! How easily one can convince oneself of such stupidity!!!
I didn’t just stop writing my blog , I stopped writing my journal too (which was the best therapy!!). I also stopped believing in all the things I had learned about trying to create a better life for myself and as a result I felt that if I don’t believe in what i write, why write at all!
I somehow convinced myself that the “Law of Attraction” was nothing other than a very clever marketing scam created by people who are very good at getting money out of people in need of help and reassurance and I no longer wanted to be a part of it!!
I got so fed up with the long winded sales web pages that lists all the problems you might be faced with and then promising you a solution to all of them as long as you sign up for their programme or product.
I still kept reading a bit about it and my inbox kept getting filled with emails from people who allegedly had all the answers, which in my mind just confirmed that it was just another way of getting money out of me, you and everyone else who chose to believe their message.
I became extremely negative in my view of life and work and everything else and completely went against everything I had learnt.
I started getting angry about the concept that I am the one attracting the experiences into my life, good or bad (mostly bad at that point) which then resulted in me not wanting to learn anymore about it and not wanting to write more about it either.
How can I write a blog about something I stopped believing in?And how do I even dare try to help other people when I struggle to help myself?
There is a big part of me that refuses to be a fake and I am proud of that.
Then Christmas arrived and I got to spend the most wonderful time with my family in a place by the sea where you have an abundance of time to think and reflect on life.
I thought back on 2008 and started questioning why I felt so unhappy and alone during the second half of the year and I realised that I had not written anything on here since July nor had I written my journal for a while either.
I remember when I first started this blog, how much I enjoyed the comments from people who read the blog. It was such a wonderful feeling to read that what I had written might have had a positive impact on someone else’s life.
Obviously, it wasn’t just the lack of writing that caused the 6 months of being back in the “victim stage” where I felt sorry for myself and of course it wasn’t like that all of the time. I just felt that all my energy had been drained and that everything was an effort. At this moment in time I actually feel like I have just come out of hibernation!
I don’t know why I suddenly decided to write tonight other than over the Christmas break I decided that something had to change and that I would be the only person who could change that. It feels like I have taken one step forward and two steps back in terms of all this self growth stuff and maybe it is a good thing to revisit some of the material I have read with a different view point. I think my biggest problem was the fact that I went through the books and courses like it was going out of fashion, without any real objective or goal other than to just gain more knowledge!
I would have really loved to end this with the perfect formula to avoid anyone feeling what I felt for the past 6 months but hopefully if you find yourself in a similar situation and you happen to read this, you may just be able to snap out of it a lot faster than I did.
As for me! I think it’s time to get back to the right path again and if I had to chose a New Years resolution this year I think it would be to enjoy the journey as opposed to just focus on the end result!