Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

Searching Within

I have been trying to find out what created my irrational need for approval from others for a while now.
Theoretically I know that it’s irrational and that as long as I love and approve of myself, the need would disappear in time.
However, I still seem to let it control my behaviours and actions and still find myself in situations where I give it power.

When I break it down and analyze it, the approval itself is very short lived and doesn’t actually give me anything of value. It just seems to feed my need for more!

I want to find out where it came from and I want to find a way of eliminating it. I know that loving myself is a part of the process and I am working on that, but I figured that if I can get to the root of it then maybe it will be easier to move forward.

As always, when I am in situations like this I tend to look for answers outside myself instead of looking within.
Actually, “looking within” is something I still want to fully understand, because so far it is mentioned in a lot of places but either I am totally blind to the message or it isn’t explained in a way that my mind can understand.

The easiest way for me to “look within” is writing my journal, where I can be completely honest with myself, not worrying that anyone would ever read it.

Today I wrote for about 2 hours non stop and memories started to surface. Initially I was tempted to copy the whole journal entry on here, but at the moment it doesn’t feel right.
What I did learn was that my need for love and approval has been down to a few people and now I think that the next step for me is to find a way to forgive them (they are not to blame – they did the best they could) and release the past.

Searching for answers outside of myself today proved to be beneficial, because had I not read THIS I wouldn’t have searched for answers within myself.

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2 responses to “Searching Within

  1. shiona February 20, 2009 at 4:16 am

    Hi J,

    You were motivated by my post and now I’ve been motivated by yours.
    Looking back to my childhood, I’ve come to the realization that it is my father’s idea of raising his children that underlies my need for approval. He was the kind of father who would always demand and insist that my brother and I had the highest grades at school and he would require excellent performance and the maximum effort whatever we did. There’s nothing wrong in that in principle, however, in the whole process of teaching us how to be perfect, he forgot to offer encouragement. Thus, being an extremely sensitive child, I grew up with the subconscious thought that I was never good enough and the desperate desire to please him.

    In my early adulthood I used to be very angry with my father. There was a period of about a year and a half when we didn’t even speak to each other. Fortunately, I was able to forgive him. And then a miracle happened: I began to see my father as a completely different person. Now we are really close and I know I can rely on him unconditionally.

    But the need for approval has sunk so deep into my personality, it proves really hard to pluck it out. I am making progress, though. 🙂

    Thank you and take care.

  2. J February 22, 2009 at 9:05 am

    I have read your comment countless times and I am so grateful you wrote this.
    It has given me much more clarity and when I think back to my childhood I too “grew up with the subconscious thought that I was never good enough” and I still have that feeling within me.

    Whenever I get a comment from you I feel I have received the most wonderful present.

    Thank you

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