Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

My Entangled Mind

Tree

I am in a strange feeling space today and I while do know that I chose to tread this path I am not sure why!

Earlier I read “bee in a bottle” which describes exactly how I feel at this moment and I am trying to understand why I have chosen to embrace this feeling.

I am having a day off work today in lieu of having worked last Saturday and yet I am feeling a strange sense of guilt for not being in! I keep telling myself (and so do my friends) that I deserve to have time off. Time to myself. I have so many things I could be doing instead of just sitting here.

I could be reading “Poker without cards” which I have wanted to read again for a while now (and also wanted to introduce here)  but somehow always found something else to do with my time. I guess right now I have chosen to write as a way of escaping this feeling but as I type this I am feeling there is something else I “should” be doing. There’s that word again – “should”

I often ask myself what it is that I really want and have never really sat down and consciously decided on what that is, so maybe now is a good time to give it a go.

Money seems to always be on top of my list although I have never really set a specific amount and more importantly I never really asked myself why.

I would love to be financially free, which to me means that I can choose to work whenever I want to instead of having to work to get by. In other words have enough money that would continue to provide an income whether I chose to work or not.

Why do I want this and what would I do?

Would I just stay at home every day doing nothing? No, I think boredom would kick in within a few hours of that and I would lose my sense of purpose (whatever my purpose is!)

Would I quit my job? I am kind of undecided at his point. I think that if I stayed I would do my job better and I would also be better at expressing my point of view without the fear of losing my job.  I do love aspects of my job, specifically the people I get to meet (well most of them) but there are many aspects I really loathe about my job too.

Would I buy a big house in a fancy location? Probably not. I think I am at the belief that material things do not bring me happiness, at least not for very long. I have, however, always dreamed of having a place by the sea. The sea has always had the most calming effect on me and mountains too.

Would I change my lifestyle? Generally no, although I would probably travel more. I love visiting new places and learning about different cultures.

So if I wouldn’t really change much of my current lifestyle, then why do I want the financial freedom?

This seems a hard question for me to answer but since I have started this I might as well try to find at least one.

Other than the fact that it would give me choices, I think I would be more true to myself and wouldn’t need approval from anyone else (guess this is still an issue then!)

I would also be able to do what I want to do, which is something else I have to work out exactly what that is!

When I was younger I had this dream of me having a nice house with a recording studio and just creating music for a living. I have never wanted any kind of fame and never saw myself performing in front of an audience. I just love the process of creating music and I love how playing and creating music makes me feel. The dream obviously has yet to materialise.

Lately I have had recurring thoughts that I would like to work in some kind of counselling/therapy sort of role, but at present I have no qualifications in this field but I do have a burning desire to help people. Then again, part of me thinks that if I can’t help myself how can I even begin to contemplate helping others.

Another dream of mine was to open my own restaurant, which is a field I do have a lot of experience in but have yet to explore further. Not convinced at this point if I desire this enough to put in the work required!

Then there’s writing. I have always wanted to write a book and again I am not exactly sure why, other than I love the process of writing. I have no experience and wouldn’t have a clue where to start nor do I have any idea of what to write about. I just love the process.

The question is; are these choices only available to people with financial freedom?

I think they are available to me exactly where I am now but so far I have failed to make any of these choices!

Is there a part of me that is afraid of the choices? Am I holding on to my lack of money for some reason I have yet to discover?

Most of the time I quite like how my mind works but there are times, like right now, where I would love to be able to just switch it off and experience peace.

Right now I feel like a very tired “bee in a bottle”

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19 responses to “My Entangled Mind

  1. viv66 May 5, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Oh J, I am so sorry. As a fellow Bee in a Bottle, I sympathise.
    To be practical, which my husband does with me a lot(which helps) no, financial stability is not the only way. Counselling etc…good thoughts. Been considering doing a master’s myself, and am thinking of something maybe involving Jungian psychology. Check out OU subejcts. You can do OU courses regardless of location or job; you don’t have to take time off, you do them by extension. My housebound daughter is doing her degree that way. You also do them in manageable chunks so there’s never a massive bill. You can even use Tesco reward points towards courses; saves a lot of dosh.
    My thoughts about writing… just have a bash. Despite the fact that I did apply to teach a creative writing course, I am of the opinion that the best way to learn to write is just to write. Lots. I admit I have been writing since before I could actually write, but even so, I still think it’s the best way. It’s also important to read lots.
    I’ve had a bit of good advice from retired eagle, that when these terrible moods strike, hold the tension and something emerges. You can never be sure what but something will happen. For example, your remark about the sitcom about a language school made me look more seriously at using my experience here in a novel that is already underway and stalled.
    I’d write more but I am not sure how helpful it is and the rain has stopped here and I need to take the dog out.
    hugs!
    v

  2. vanessaleighsblog May 5, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    I understand why you feel tired; your day off is well deserved, and if you have a hard time avoiding the guilt that comes with it, although unnecessary, use the day for good, for sorting through some of these wonderful questions that you pose here.

    Don’t ever talk yourself out of your dreams, even if logically they do not make sense. That is why they are dreams, but I believe in dreams coming true also. And, not just for the financially secure. Our little family lives month to month, although it is not penniless, but neither myself nor my beloved are doing what we dream to do as an occupation/proper use of our time. Besides raising our daughter, which is our passion, my partner is an artist, and has never been able, or willing, to fully get her work off the ground. I think she is finally seeing that now is her time to do just that. So, in the meantime she is working just to take care of what we need to. She also dreams of writing a book. My dreams are us having a self sufficient yard, with gardens, solar panels, and even a bed and breakfast for guests eventually.

    I am in a job right now, and have had a successful career in being a therapist and educator and trainer. However, my passion, is to travel around the country and the world, and to spread the word of love, compassion, understanding. To teach AND learn from others. And, to write my book, or books. The thing is, I used to dream and talk myself out of it all of the time, because I thought it impractical. I became a lot more fun to be around when I picked those dreams back up, and started seeing them come true in my mind.

    Our minds are so powerful, they can empower us to do ANYTHING!!!!

    So, envision that music studio or that book you think you will write; take one step today to make your dreams happen.

    Have a blessed day, I am SOOOOO glad that I found you!!!!

    • J May 5, 2009 at 3:01 pm

      Vanessa,

      Thank you. You are an angel and I am so very grateful that you found me.
      Your words are truly wonderful and I would love to be a guest in your future bed and breakfast!

      Bless you

  3. J May 5, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Viv,

    Thank you so very much. Your every word is helpful and thanks to you I will look into OU courses.

    I will look forward to (hopefully one day) reading your novel.

    Enjoy taking the dog out.

    Again, Thank you.

    Big Hugs

    J

  4. viv66 May 5, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Bloomin’ dog didn’t want to go so I went to the supermarket instead!!!
    My husband is taking our daughter to see the Shaolin warriors tonight so I wanted to make sure there was something quick and easy for tea before they go.
    As for the novel, well, that might be a while. It’s the ninth in the last five or so years, but I’m trying to make up my mind whether I want to dive into it again just yet.
    One more thought. Tell yourself stories. All the time, especially when you’re idle or going to sleep. See what happens. People grow in your mind like windsown flowers, and they tell you their tales…

    • J May 5, 2009 at 3:14 pm

      You must have the only dog in the world that does not want to go for a walk! What kind of dog is it?

      I love the idea of telling myself stories! I will try that tonight as I go to sleep.

      Have your novels been published? (please excuse my ignorance here) and if so what are they called? I’d love to read them.

  5. viv66 May 5, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    She’s getting elderly and choosy about how far and when she goes for walks!!! She’s 13, so the fact that I can still take her for 8 mile hikes at times is great.
    Sadly, no novel yet published. I’ve got soooo close; I even had a literary agent who turned out to be a rotter. I have a sheaf of letters from publishers and agents telling me how well I write etc, but they won’t take a chance on an unknown… It kills me.
    I’ve posted excerpts of one or two at my other blog, cafe crem, but you’d have to go through the category list to find them now.

    • J May 6, 2009 at 9:16 pm

      I think that when anyone gets to that age they can be choosy as much as they want!! The fact that you can take her for 8 mile hikes is quite impressive.

      I hope that one day someone is willing to take a chance on you.
      Thank you so much for the link to the excerpts I am really looking forward to reading them.

  6. viv66 May 5, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I had a little search around and found the page with the excerpts in…

    http://cafecrem.wordpress.com/category/cafe-literati/vivs-novels/

  7. tobeme May 5, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    I enjoyed your thought process on this. Me thinks you know the answers to your questions. I would believe, however don’t know for sure that there is some fear that holds you back, could be fear of failure, could be fear of going outside your comfort zone, could be fear of success. I would say that meditation is the order of the day, as you said you want to turn off the switch and clear your mind, meditation is a way to accomplish this. The answers you seek are within you, however it will take courage to uncover that which is right below the surface. One thing for sure, financial freedom or lack of it is not what is holding you back, that is simply a crutch which you need to kick out from under your self.

    • J May 6, 2009 at 9:31 pm

      Tobeme,

      Thank you for your wise words and I do think you may have a point in saying that there is some kind of fear holding me back.

      In all honesty I think that whenever I tried meditation and found that my mind kept flooding with thoughts, I gave up to quickly and maybe it’s time to try this again. I have tried some guided audio meditations which did work in some cases but in other cases I ended up falling asleep. Maybe I am just overcomplicating the process!

  8. Robbie S. Redmon, LPC May 6, 2009 at 4:32 am

    It seems you made good use of your day off. Going within and sitting with your Spirit, no matter the state, propels you forward in your development. You are learning to ride the tide of life. But sometimes, we just need to float.

    • J May 6, 2009 at 9:39 pm

      Hi Robbie,

      I am happy to welcome you and I appreciate your comment.

      I think I could have probably made better use of my day had I gone through that process from a more positive frame of mind but I suppose that doing it was more beneficial than staring at the wall all day!

      I’d like to learn how to just float!

  9. fibi May 6, 2009 at 5:35 am

    Laughing..

    I’m sorry if that seems like a blase response to the questions that are running through your mind – it’s just that I can fully appreciate/empathise where you are at (I’m there quite regularly)..

    And sometimes, you just have to laugh! It takes you out of your mind and grounds you – hopefully leaving you in a space of wonder at the world and with more creative energy to make the choices you want/need to make (rather than coming from a heaviness/guilt that you are not doing what you want to do)..

    “Everything is as it should be – if it was meant to be any different – it would be..”

    Hugs, love & light..

    • J May 6, 2009 at 9:46 pm

      I read your comment this morning before going to work and you did put a smile on my face.
      It also made me think that I could waste another day trying to undo yesterday or I could try to make the best of today. (I chose wisely!)

      “Everything is as it should be – if it was meant to be any different – it would be..”

      I love this and I am going to carry this with me as a reminder.

      With love and much gratitude

  10. psychscribe May 8, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Well…you may FEEL like a bee in a bottle, but you’re NOT 😉

    You wonder if there is a part of you that may be afraid of making choices..It does sound like there is a fear factor here someplace…so taking it one step further…is it fear of commitment? Of having to stick with a choice, like we stick with a life partner, even when its not fun?

    Or, on another level, fear of making choices could be fear of loss…over the things you DIDN’T choose…

    • J May 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm

      Thank you psych

      I do think you are right in saying that there is a fear factor and while I feel I am getting closer to the answer I am not quite there yet. If I had to pick one right now it would be fear of making the wrong choice but when I look at it logically that makes no sense at all cause a wrong choice is really nothing more than another lesson!

  11. mysoul May 8, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    (*pinching myself* to make sure its you who wrote it and not me.) These words are words that I have not given a voice to…

    It seems to me that you needed this day to Mull things over, then that “should be” what you are supposed to do. After all we are never where we arent supposed to be.

    So mull it over…I believe, no one can really give you an answer. But when you know, you will know for sure and then you will also accept that what you will want to do will change as you learn more about yourself. The result is always – You are ALL of what you have done/said/thought/intended, are doing and hold the potential to do.
    Until you find an answer, Hold yourself as gently as you would hold something precious.

    • J May 9, 2009 at 3:52 pm

      Mysoul, thank you for your kind words.

      I have never really given a voice to these words until now.

      People often tell me that what I do for a living is not my real talent and I often question what I am meant to be doing. I do agree that no one can provide the answer and I know that as my journey continue I will get closer to finding the answers. Maybe all I am here to do is to enjoy life and the experiences of life, both good and bad.

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