I am in a strange feeling space today and I while do know that I chose to tread this path I am not sure why!
Earlier I read “bee in a bottle” which describes exactly how I feel at this moment and I am trying to understand why I have chosen to embrace this feeling.
I am having a day off work today in lieu of having worked last Saturday and yet I am feeling a strange sense of guilt for not being in! I keep telling myself (and so do my friends) that I deserve to have time off. Time to myself. I have so many things I could be doing instead of just sitting here.
I could be reading “Poker without cards” which I have wanted to read again for a while now (and also wanted to introduce here) but somehow always found something else to do with my time. I guess right now I have chosen to write as a way of escaping this feeling but as I type this I am feeling there is something else I “should” be doing. There’s that word again – “should”
I often ask myself what it is that I really want and have never really sat down and consciously decided on what that is, so maybe now is a good time to give it a go.
Money seems to always be on top of my list although I have never really set a specific amount and more importantly I never really asked myself why.
I would love to be financially free, which to me means that I can choose to work whenever I want to instead of having to work to get by. In other words have enough money that would continue to provide an income whether I chose to work or not.
Why do I want this and what would I do?
Would I just stay at home every day doing nothing? No, I think boredom would kick in within a few hours of that and I would lose my sense of purpose (whatever my purpose is!)
Would I quit my job? I am kind of undecided at his point. I think that if I stayed I would do my job better and I would also be better at expressing my point of view without the fear of losing my job. I do love aspects of my job, specifically the people I get to meet (well most of them) but there are many aspects I really loathe about my job too.
Would I buy a big house in a fancy location? Probably not. I think I am at the belief that material things do not bring me happiness, at least not for very long. I have, however, always dreamed of having a place by the sea. The sea has always had the most calming effect on me and mountains too.
Would I change my lifestyle? Generally no, although I would probably travel more. I love visiting new places and learning about different cultures.
So if I wouldn’t really change much of my current lifestyle, then why do I want the financial freedom?
This seems a hard question for me to answer but since I have started this I might as well try to find at least one.
Other than the fact that it would give me choices, I think I would be more true to myself and wouldn’t need approval from anyone else (guess this is still an issue then!)
I would also be able to do what I want to do, which is something else I have to work out exactly what that is!
When I was younger I had this dream of me having a nice house with a recording studio and just creating music for a living. I have never wanted any kind of fame and never saw myself performing in front of an audience. I just love the process of creating music and I love how playing and creating music makes me feel. The dream obviously has yet to materialise.
Lately I have had recurring thoughts that I would like to work in some kind of counselling/therapy sort of role, but at present I have no qualifications in this field but I do have a burning desire to help people. Then again, part of me thinks that if I can’t help myself how can I even begin to contemplate helping others.
Another dream of mine was to open my own restaurant, which is a field I do have a lot of experience in but have yet to explore further. Not convinced at this point if I desire this enough to put in the work required!
Then there’s writing. I have always wanted to write a book and again I am not exactly sure why, other than I love the process of writing. I have no experience and wouldn’t have a clue where to start nor do I have any idea of what to write about. I just love the process.
The question is; are these choices only available to people with financial freedom?
I think they are available to me exactly where I am now but so far I have failed to make any of these choices!
Is there a part of me that is afraid of the choices? Am I holding on to my lack of money for some reason I have yet to discover?
Most of the time I quite like how my mind works but there are times, like right now, where I would love to be able to just switch it off and experience peace.
Right now I feel like a very tired “bee in a bottle”