A few of you know my real name, which by the way does start with the letter J, 2 people know me personally as I work with one and the other being a close friend, but apart from that I am still anonymous in the cyberworld!
At times I am not sure if even I know who the real J is, which is why I want to keep searching, keep peeling away layers to see what is revealed. Some of the times it has revealed things I wanted to hide again, but I now realize that in order to find my self I will need to find a way of accepting what I uncover as the layers are peeled away. As I have decided to embark on a journey to locate the root cause for the problems and challenges I am sometimes faced with, maybe by revealing who I am (or at least my name) this is a step towards that. At this point I am filled with anxiety and fear at the prospect of revealing my real name. Why? Because if people that know me were to read I am not sure what their reaction(s) would be. There is a fear that I may lose friends in the process or that I may be branded a nutcase. There is also a chance that I may upset people I know by some of the posts I have written. Some may be upset because I never gave them a chance to listen or never allowed them in, others may be upset because they don’t know how to help and don’t want to see me hurt. Another factor that has kept me anonymous is the fear that some may want to try to stop me from doing this, for reasons I described in “Dream Stealers”.
In truth, I am tired of wearing all these masks. The masks I am wearing to protect myself from conflict and lack of approval, but in reality, all the masks are doing, is reinforcing the need for approval from others and reducing approval from myself.
Is it possible that the fear and anxiety I am feeling is not my true self but my ego being scared? I suspect this could be the case. If it is, I have no need to be afraid of what other people may think. Could it be that it is my ego and not my true self that needs this approval? If this is the case I need to change my approach. If my demons are a trick played by my ego to keep me from uncovering more layers then I could be in for a different kind of journey than what I expected and maybe this is the point. Maybe I have been searching in all the wrong places.
This post seems to have developed a life of it’s own. It isn’t exactly what I set out to write, but from a personal perspective, I am happy it did develop like this!
I feel light and positive and I feel like a new chapter is beginning to open. I have no idea what this chapter has in store for me and I don’t really think that is important thing at this point. I think it is more important for me to understand that this is a long journey of small steps, which can throw me in different directions. I also need to remind myself of the fact that it will include shadows as well as light!.
Right now I feel like an archaeologist fighting his/her way through cobwebs and stuff that has been hidden for years unsure of what will be discovered.
Ok, it’s time to take a step outside my comfort zone:
My real name is Jesper (pronounced Yesper) and I was born in Denmark in 1971. I spent the majority of my life in a small village until I moved to the UK 12 years ago, the reasons for which is another post in itself. This may not seem like a big step for someone reading this but for me it is a massive leap!
The truth is, I have revealed more of myself on here than to anyone I know. I have never needed to wear any masks when writing on here and this is the one place where I can express myself freely without fear of beeing judged. By saying this I don’t suggest that everyone agrees with me and I wouldn’t expect that. I always welcome a different point of view as it helps me grow.
I am now left in the hope that this is not a mistake!