Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

Who is J?

DiscoveryA few of you know my real name, which by the way does start with the letter J, 2 people know me personally as I work with one and the other being a close friend, but apart from that I am still anonymous in the cyberworld!

At times I am not sure if even I know who the real J is, which is why I want to keep searching, keep peeling away layers to see what is revealed. Some of the times it has revealed things I wanted to hide again, but I now realize that in order to find my self I will need to find a way of accepting what I uncover as the layers are peeled away. As I have decided to embark on a journey to locate the root cause for the problems and challenges I am sometimes faced with, maybe by revealing who I am (or at least my name) this is a step towards that. At this point I am filled with anxiety and fear at the prospect of revealing my real name. Why? Because if people that know me were to read I am not sure what their reaction(s) would be. There is a fear that I may lose friends in the process or that I may be branded a nutcase. There is also a chance that I may upset people I know by some of the posts I have written. Some may be upset because I never gave them a chance to listen or never allowed them in, others may be upset because they don’t know how to help and don’t want to see me hurt. Another factor that has kept me anonymous is the fear that some may want to try to stop me from doing this, for reasons I described in “Dream Stealers”.

In truth, I am tired of wearing all these masks. The masks I am wearing to protect myself from conflict and lack of approval, but in reality, all the masks are doing, is reinforcing the need for approval from others and reducing approval from myself.

Is it possible that the fear and anxiety I am feeling is not my true self but my ego being scared? I suspect this could be the case. If it is, I have no need to be afraid of what other people may think. Could it be that it is my ego and not my true self that needs this approval?  If this is the case I need to change my approach. If my demons are a trick played by my ego to keep me from uncovering more layers then I could be in for a different kind of journey than what I expected and maybe this is the point. Maybe I have been searching in all the wrong places.

This post seems to have developed a life of it’s own. It isn’t exactly what I set out to write, but from a personal perspective, I am happy it did develop like this!

I feel light and positive and I feel like a new chapter is beginning to open. I have no idea what this chapter has in store for me and I don’t really think that is  important thing at this point. I think it is more important for me to understand that this is a long journey of small steps, which can throw me in different directions. I also need to remind myself of the fact that it will include shadows as well as light!.

Right now I feel like an archaeologist fighting his/her way through cobwebs and stuff that has been hidden for years unsure of what will be discovered.

Ok, it’s time to take a step outside my comfort zone:

My real name is Jesper (pronounced Yesper) and I was born in Denmark in 1971. I spent the majority of my life in a small village until I moved to the UK 12 years ago, the reasons for which is another post in itself. This may not seem like a big step for someone reading this but for me it is a massive leap!

The truth is, I have revealed more of myself on here than to anyone I know. I have never needed to wear any masks when writing on here and this is the one place where I can express myself freely without fear of beeing judged. By saying this I don’t suggest that everyone agrees with me and I wouldn’t expect that. I always welcome a different point of view as it helps me grow.

I am now left in the hope that this is not a mistake!

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16 responses to “Who is J?

  1. vanessaleighsblog August 25, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Bravo, Jesper. Welcome to YOU……..

    There is no way to diminish the impact it has on a person’s life when we allow ourselves to peel away, bit by bit, the layers that have kept us protected, but yet, cocooned from what we may really think, feel and believe. And, keeping ourselves sealed away always keeps us from truth of self. This is such a grand step, and I am so proud of and happy for you……

    Thank you for bringing us along on this journey with you; it is always more fun with friends along the way.

    I also have been feeling very much like I am going through a transformation of sorts; AND, my name does mean “butterfly” in French, and what could be more transformative than that? I will be writing on this, the fears and hurts and trials of journey to self, but the reward is going back to our actual soul where we belong……..

    best wishes to you!!!

    • J August 26, 2009 at 6:57 pm

      Thank You Vanessa, or should I say “Butterfly”

      I felt light after I had posted it and when I read your comment I knew it wasn’t a mistake. The timing of it was rather peculiar too as tomorrow is my last day at my current job. Don’t know it these are connected but I just feel like a new beginning is upon me.
      I look forward to reading about your journey to self.

      With best wishes & much gratitude.

  2. shiona August 26, 2009 at 7:09 am

    This is something brave and admirable indeed. Congratulations and best wishes for good luck and success on your journey!
    With all my love and encouragement!

  3. tobeme August 26, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    Jesper,
    Great to meet you!
    Yes, it is the ego which fears what others may think or say. Love, which is our authentic self knows not fear of being judged. Congratulations on taking this leap, the doors will now open in ways that you have not yet imagined.

    • J August 26, 2009 at 7:11 pm

      Thank you Mark,
      I think it’s time to give my ego a long holiday and let love rise to the surface. The words just flowed through me, but it was the feeling I got afterwards that made me realize that change is happening. I am looking forward to the doors opening.

  4. Love August 26, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    That was lovely.

  5. Sathira August 27, 2009 at 3:51 am

    Great! You have overcome your self created ” FEAR “! What a great achievement in life!

    Be yourself and be mindful in whatever you do. No one knows you better than yourself. You have to manage your mind and control your own life destiny! Do not let others to dictate your life journey!

    Cheers!

    May you be well and happy always!

    • J August 28, 2009 at 12:27 pm

      Thank You Sathira,

      I think I have become aware of my self created fear or ego created fear. Have I am not sure I have overcome it yet but I am going in the right direction.

      May you always be blessed with health and happiness

  6. Brynn August 30, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Well done Jesper, now we just need to put a face to the name 🙂
    I believe you are spot on about the ego. Our ego will do anything to carry on hiding our true spiritual self, it’s all about survival. And when it comes to friends and ‘dream stealers’, I went through exactly the same fears. Luckily I realized that what really mattered was what I thought of myself and that friends come and go. Only true friends accept us for who we are no matter what, and those are the ones we really need in our life.

  7. J August 30, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    Thanks Brynn, maybe the face will be the next step!!
    I am determined to find my true self knowing that my ego will throw obstacles in my way. At least I am stubborn enough to keep trying!
    True friends are indeed the ones we need in our lives and I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with some true friends.

  8. Robert G. Longpré September 4, 2009 at 12:35 am

    Jesper, I know that in dropping the masks, one only discovers yet more masks. The core of self is one we are all constantly trying to discover as we peel back the layers. Rather than masks, it becomes more and issue of being authentic. Believe it or not, even the fictions we invent about self are valuable as they arise from the unknown faces of self. For me, it is a lifetime journey – individuation.

  9. J September 4, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Robert, your comments always gives me further food for thought for which I am truly grateful. I think I am still at the top of the ice berg in terms of pealing away the layers but I refuse to give up. I know the dropping of masks will reveal more masks, masks I am am not even aware of yet.
    I have also come to the belief thst it is a journey of a lifetime rather than a task to be completed.

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