Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

A conversation with myself

When I write my journal I sometimes write in the form of a conversation with myself and the following is what came out last week before I got side tracked into writing the previous post.

What are you trying to achieve?

I am trying to track my life back to find the root cause of some of the symptoms present in my life today.

How far back do you think you have to go?

I have been thinking about this for a while and I may have to go back to before I was born.

What do you mean?

Mum was in hospital for the last 6 months of her pregnancy. I was born on the 7th December 1971 by a Caesarean section.
I think being stuck in hospital for that length of time must have been terrible and I think she somehow may have felt resentment towards me for taking away the life she had before she became pregnant. If this is the case I can understand that.

If she resented you then do you think she still resents you today?

No I don’t think resentment is the right word anymore. But I think I am a disappointment to her.

Why?

Because I am not more like my brother and because of the mistakes I have made in my life which has left me in a financial situation where at times I have had to ask my parents for help.

Are you holding on to something?

I am thinking that what I am after is a sign of love from her. A sign that will allow me to finally begin my life. I am 38 years of age in just over a month and most of the time I feel like a child.

Why do you need that?

So I can stop punishing her by asking for financial help, which I have come to realise is punishing myself if that makes sense.

Why did you rebel against her so much?

Because I felt unwanted, as if I was always in the way. I always felt (and still do) that she loves my brother more. Perhaps the rebellion was my way of crying out for love.

If she could see you now how do you think she would feel?

I think she’d be upset but I don’t think she’d understand.

Understand what?

That I am not blaming her. I have tried to ask questions on a number of occassions and it has always resulted in her getting upset thinking I blame her.

Is it time to let go?

Yes but it scares me and I don’t know how to.

Keep peeling away the layers and be brave. You have a purpose and it is ok to be you.

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15 responses to “A conversation with myself

  1. viv66 November 1, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    *hugs*
    we’ll talk soon. This was very brave.
    v

  2. J November 1, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    Thank you Viv.
    The hugs are very welcome and to be honest much needed!

  3. viv66 November 1, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    Well have a few more then.
    I shall either write more about this(privately if you prefer) because some things come to mind that may shed some light, or we can maybe talk tomorrow evening.

  4. shiona November 2, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    My eyes full of tears, I am shocked by yet another incredible coincidence. My mom was also stuck in hospital for 6 moths before I was born.
    I do understand the way you feel and I sincerely and deeply sympathize with you, but… has it never crossed your mind that exactly because of this suffering before your birth you might actually be the more valued, the dearer child? Could it be just you underestimating yourself and subconsciously believing you are not worthy of your mother’s love?
    I’m sorry, this must be a very painful issue, but I thought looking at it from another angle might be of some help.
    I wish you good luck in your rediscovering yourself!
    Hugs and lots of love from me too.

    • J November 3, 2009 at 8:33 am

      I am sorry it brought tears to your eyes. I am not in the business of intentionally upsetting anyone.
      When I start writing in this conversation format I never really know what direction it takes and it wasn’t until I transcribed on to here that it gave me further food for thought. I don’t know where it came from or exactly what to do with it at this point. I know she was very protective of me as a child and to an extent still is to this day, which suggests that you may have a point and looking at it from a different perspective is always helpful.
      As for the coincidence. We do seem to share a lot of them. Viv posed the question if perhaps we are twins seperated at birth!
      With love & hugs

      • shiona November 4, 2009 at 5:14 pm

        You were born about half a year later than me, but we might be spiritual twins, who knows.
        And, you didn’t upset me. I was deeply moved.

        • J November 4, 2009 at 7:40 pm

          Spiritual twins sounds lovely and I would love to be your spiritual twin. More importantly I am relieved that I didn’t upset you and I am so grateful for your comments.

          Love

  5. enreal November 3, 2009 at 4:32 am

    I wish I had the strength and bravery to be this honest with myself. There are so many paths in peoples lives, so many choices and so many influences which effect so may other paths…

    Your mind works analytically, trying to rationalize something which seems irrational. If perhaps your mother had resented you… it is NOT your fault…

    Emotions and mind are at war… ego dwells in fear and seeks darkness, there are certain inalienable truths in life. Love of family… love of life… it is natural, it is human…

    the ego is self worth…

    I wish you would listen to your voice… it is trying so hard to be heard… it is forming in the material for you to see… it is so wise and pure… let it out.. just let it go…

    Always listen to yourself.
    Be Strong

  6. J November 3, 2009 at 8:47 am

    In my search for the “Magic Pill” in the land of Self Help I think I let my ego take over and forgot that there is another part of me. Now that my belief in the magic pill has shattered I am hoping that I can now experience a path of authenticity and slow down sufficiently to let my inner voice out.
    May you always be blessed.
    With love

  7. Brynn November 3, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Wow, you have no idea how lucky you are to be able to answer all those questions so honestly, and I doubt you upset shiona, I’m sure they were tears of understanding.
    Forgiveness is the key, forgive your mother, forgive yourself..

    • J November 3, 2009 at 1:06 pm

      I am not sure the answers to the questions are the right answers but I am not ruling it out either
      As far as my mother is concerned, forgiveness happened a while back. Forgiveness for myself? I am a work in progress! This was an attempt to gain understanding. Finding a new starting point in working out who I am. The input I have had from everyone has been wonderful and has given me further food for thought.
      The journey continues..

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