When I write my journal I sometimes write in the form of a conversation with myself and the following is what came out last week before I got side tracked into writing the previous post.
What are you trying to achieve?
I am trying to track my life back to find the root cause of some of the symptoms present in my life today.
How far back do you think you have to go?
I have been thinking about this for a while and I may have to go back to before I was born.
What do you mean?
Mum was in hospital for the last 6 months of her pregnancy. I was born on the 7th December 1971 by a Caesarean section.
I think being stuck in hospital for that length of time must have been terrible and I think she somehow may have felt resentment towards me for taking away the life she had before she became pregnant. If this is the case I can understand that.
If she resented you then do you think she still resents you today?
No I don’t think resentment is the right word anymore. But I think I am a disappointment to her.
Because I am not more like my brother and because of the mistakes I have made in my life which has left me in a financial situation where at times I have had to ask my parents for help.
Are you holding on to something?
I am thinking that what I am after is a sign of love from her. A sign that will allow me to finally begin my life. I am 38 years of age in just over a month and most of the time I feel like a child.
Why do you need that?
So I can stop punishing her by asking for financial help, which I have come to realise is punishing myself if that makes sense.
Why did you rebel against her so much?
Because I felt unwanted, as if I was always in the way. I always felt (and still do) that she loves my brother more. Perhaps the rebellion was my way of crying out for love.
If she could see you now how do you think she would feel?
I think she’d be upset but I don’t think she’d understand.
That I am not blaming her. I have tried to ask questions on a number of occassions and it has always resulted in her getting upset thinking I blame her.
Is it time to let go?
Yes but it scares me and I don’t know how to.
Keep peeling away the layers and be brave. You have a purpose and it is ok to be you.