Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

Disorders in the American Court

This is from an email I received the other day;

These cross-examinations, are taken from a book, called ‘Disorders in the American Court ‘.
They are statements made in court, purportedly, word for word, taken down at the time, and published now by Court Reporters, who had the torment to stay calm, and controlled, while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITN ESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do..
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_________ ____________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr… Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________ _________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was a live when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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11 responses to “Disorders in the American Court

  1. viv66 November 15, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    I have laughed until my mascara has run with the tears! It’s your fault I now resemble a panda!!!

  2. viv66 November 15, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    It’s not a good look on a blonde, believe me!

  3. shiona November 16, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    It’s not a good look on a brunette either, I assure you. ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. viv66 November 16, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Panda eyes look good on Pandas only!

  5. Brynn November 17, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    nice one, hope i never have to go to court…

  6. enreal November 19, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    Actually giggled out loud… thanks ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Gopinathan November 27, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Normally when I am at my computer, I am so quiet no one knows I am around!

    But this post had me laughing so much that my wife came up to the study to see what was wrong!

    Thank you for a much needed laugh!

  8. J November 29, 2009 at 8:53 am

    You are very welcome indeed. I had a very similar reaction when I opened my email and read it.
    Thank you for the visit and I hope there will be many more.

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