Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

Feeling Different

I feel different in myself and I have been for the past 3 days. I don’t really know how to explain it, not even to myself, and perhaps there is no need to explain it at all but I still feel a need to at least try to understand.

I feel calm and at ease. The anxiety I used to feel every day has been non existent for the past three days but I am catching myself looking for it as a way of making sure I am not pretending or thinking it is gone forever, but it’s nowhere to be found at the moment.

Discomforts I have felt in my body for a while, but have been too afraid to get checked out, have disappeared. However, I have now made the decision to go for a check up.

I don’t exactly feel happy. Happy is not the right word to describe how I feel. I feel I am where I am supposed to be right now and I have not felt that way for a very long time, but I also feel a sense of relief. A relief from trying to be someone I am not, relief from the chatter in my mind. The chatter is still there but not as forceful as before. However, I am puzzled because I have no idea this change has come from. I have no idea what this means right now and I am in no rush. I will just gently keep asking questions.

I thought perhaps it could have something to do with spring starting to arrive here and everything looking brighter, but that doesn’t fully explain it to me. It doesn’t convince me. It is more than that.

It feels like some unwanted entity, that somehow became a part of me, has now left me alone and yet I am not sure exactly what that means or what to do. Maybe there is nothing for me to do other than enjoying this feeling of peace within myself for as long as it may last, and I am enjoying it but at the same time I find myself trying to prepare for the next “invasion” of anxiety, isolation, quiet desperation and dark moods.

Perhaps this is just time for me to recharge.

I do realise that some people may think I should be sectioned under the mental health act based on what I have just written, and if that is the case so be it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Perhaps as time goes on, more of the pieces will come together and when they do, I hope I will be sufficiently aware to notice.

For now, I will embrace and enjoy this feeling even if I don’t understand it.

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6 responses to “Feeling Different

  1. shiona March 3, 2010 at 6:13 am

    I suppose this is the best attitude you could adopt.

    Would you be surprised if I tell you I feel exactly the same way now? After a period of emotional turbulence, quiet and calmness have settled upon me. I feel like the thunderstorm has passed and there is this almost unearthly peace after it. Neither happy, nor miserable. Just time to have a break and look back at the shaking experience from a little distance.

    If you are going to be institutionalized, I should certainly follow. 🙂
    With lots of love

    • J March 7, 2010 at 12:56 pm

      I makes me feel good to know that your thunderstorm has passed. Mine has passed too but has left me feeling empty, as if something is missing.
      If I do get institutionalised I will let you know because being joined by you would make it a pleasant stay 🙂

  2. enreal March 4, 2010 at 4:08 am

    J~ i feel wonderful for you. it may seem a bit shocking to find yourself “happy” i say content… i know what a shock it must be… i can see you looking around waiting for the emotions to return… be them for good intention or perhaps good lesson.. i know not what to say for fear of sounding like a rainy cloud above ones head during a parade… so i leave you with this… may this peace you feel last forever, may you continue to be content and in bliss… as for these gentle questions, release them… perhaps we need to question less? perhaps…

    i can understand this inability to explain the mysteries of the mind and emotions, i can relate because at one point a part of my sadness left and wasn’t replaced… it is bittersweet to feel the hollow

    Be happy J
    Infinitely

    • J March 7, 2010 at 1:01 pm

      Your presence is always welcome “rainy cloud” or not.
      It has shifted to feeling empty and hollow and the questions have returned in full force with no answers in sight…

  3. summerrain63 March 6, 2010 at 5:05 am

    Sometimes I think we question and analyze ourselves and our emotions so much that suddenly one day…we are just done..maybe it is the spring arriving…I know the warmth of the sun and the softer breeze in the air…clears my head and my heart and makes my step a bit lighter…so maybe it is a stimulus…to just be happy to be alive in such a beautiful world…

    whatever it is…breathe it in…and question it not…just enjoy it…smiles

  4. J March 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    I did breathe it in without questioning it and it was nice. But now the questions have returned.
    Maybe the feeling of peace will come back as spring becomes stronger.

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