Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny



I am not referring to the so called Law of Attraction, so if this is what brought you here, you may want to turn around and search elsewhere as I have developed a somewhat cynical view on that!!

What I have been pondering for sometime, is what specifically causes us to feel attracted to another human being. I am not really referring to romantic or physical attraction either, although that may play a part. It’s an attraction that, to me, seems difficult, if not impossible to explain. Perhaps I am the only one thinking about these things. Perhaps attraction is the wrong word to describe it. Being magnetically drawn to another human being for no apparent or obvious reason may be a better way of describing it.

I have noticed it more in recent years. I have often caught myself walking down the street or being on a bus or somewhere public, and out of the crowd one person will catch my attention, but the interesting thing is, more often than not, this person is not the type of person that would generally cause others to turn their heads for an extra look.

From personal observations (I am addicted to people watching) most people tend to turn their attention to the physically beautiful and attractive, and while I can appreciate the physical beauty, in a lot of cases there seems to be something missing for me, as if beyond the physical shell, there is nothing but emptiness. I know I am stereotyping here and by no means do I suggest that every beautiful person is nothing more than an empty shell

I am only describing what I am observing and what thoughts are forming in my head as the observations are happening, but so often I have seen people who most would describe as stunningly beautiful and yet I don’t feel the slightest bit of attraction. There’s something missing. Another point to remember is the fact that everyone has their own definition of beautiful.

Why I sometimes feel attracted to a complete stranger, puzzles me. While most of them could be described as pretty, handsome or have some characteristic of beauty, this in itself is not the attraction. In fact the physical appearance doesn’t really play a part. It’s as if there’s more to this person than meets the eye. It’s as if what attracts me is not the shell of a body or a face but something beyond that.

Perhaps I am just being odd, but I can no longer deny that it happens nor do I feel a need to deny it. It’s not a case of feeling attracted to the extent that I want to form some kind of relationship or friendship with that particular person, although this has been the case on a few occasions! It’s more a case of wanting to know more, as if this person would have a very interesting story to tell, if allowed to do so, or that for some reason I am meant to cross paths with this person for reasons unknown.

To give you an example; on my way to work the other morning, a girl, maybe early twenties, was sitting opposite me on the bus. I see her most mornings but have never exchanged more than a glance or sometimes a smile, nor have I felt any romantic or physical attraction towards her. But every time I have seen her something draws me in and I have yet to work out what it is. This is just one example but every time it happens it always leaves me asking, what about that person made stop and pay attention, when I am sure they are oblivious to the fact I even exist!

What signals are these people giving off that draws me in? Am I doing this too without realising it?

I have been single for a long time, which on one hand has been the best opportunity for me to finally start the journey of uncovering who I really am. A journey I have come to realise will last a lifetime. On the other hand i sometimes miss the intimacy of a relationship, having someone to share things with and feel connected to.

I have never been the sort of person that would go for a specific type and have always been unable to answer when asked what type I go for.

Nor have I had many intimate encounters or relationships in my life and the relationships I have had has always been long term relationships. I have never had a one night stand (call me old fashioned) and I have always felt uncomfortable about the prospect of it. I have however been in love many times but have always refused to settle for a relationship based purely on physical attraction and physical intimacy. I need more than that. I want mutual love, respect and friendship. A relationship where both can grow together but have the freedom to grow individually too.

Perhaps this is why I am still single. Perhaps I put up too many guards and send off signals that prevents any potential partner from getting close. If this kind of relationship is not within the realms of possibilities for me then I will happily stay single!

That said, I do seem to attract some people, which on some occasions provides me with a bizarre memory or story to tell but on most, makes me want to move away fast.

What hidden signals do I give off that seems to attract “certain” strangers coming up to me and start the most random of conversations? Do I give off some strange invitation only they can see, when all I am doing is going about my day and minding my own business. I am getting good at spotting them before they get close and in most cases I instinctively know that unless I get a move on I will be cornered into some surreal conversation. When I say conversation, I should mention that I rarely do any of the talking!

Earlier today as I went for a walk to get some fresh air and a break from my office, a guy comes up to me. Actually I best explain the fact that I do know of him, as he used to be a frequent visitor of my previous place of work, and that he lives in sheltered accommodation linked to a mental health centre. I have overheard many of his endless stories, and should he choose to write these into a book, I’d buy it..

Anyway, I am not sure if he recognised me or not (if he did, he could have fooled me) but I asked if he was ok, to which he proceeded to tell me that he has now got a job working for a computer company working with “chips” and then proceed to say that the only thing missing was the fish. While I am planning my route of escape he looked at me to see if I had got the joke and then decided to make sure anyway by carrying on with: “get it? fish and chips!!! – fish and chips – I have the chips I need the fish – cod and chips” followed by “battered cod is good with chips but you can’t batter the chips cause the computer won’t work and the fish won’t be the same” and that was the end of the conversation. As he started to walk off I said “have a good day” to which he replied; “You’re welcome”

When I tell my friends of experiences similar to these they always look at me in disbelief and ask why this only happens to me! I have not the answer, but I do wonder sometimes!!



17 responses to “Attraction

  1. enreal March 12, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    J~ this has so many parts I would like to address. I would like to start by saying that these things happen to you for the purpose of sharing and exploring and discovering the meanings… while many times we do forget to say thank you for the wisdom imprinted in our psyche, into our subconscious.

    *the force by which one object attracts another
    *the quality of arousing interest; being attractive or something that attracts;
    *a characteristic that provides pleasure and attracts;

    While I tend to like these definitions I feel there is a lot more to say on the subject, which you did so wonderfully I might add. Attraction, to capture and hold interest based on simply being is a mystery. what is it that draws attention, and for what purpose. I feel there is some force which captures us, whether momentarily or indefinitely. I have had similar experiences, although none so profound. My experiences take place within my mind. Words attract me. thoughts attract me. It is rare for me to see something which attracts. but when it happens it is curious.

    Being drawn to someone is a bit unsettling. Like they are controlling your thoughts and your actions. Being unable to think or look away. Unnerving. I believe when this happens it is like deja vous. we know the other on some level, when and where this level is is a mystery to me. yet this is a theory of mine. Weird, yes, I have been called worse 🙂

    Your views on relationships intrigue me. I can understand to some degree, we all need companionship, we all need that bond I suppose. I personally have never felt this need… perhaps it is because I have it on some level, yet not on others. Perhaps because I do not believe in love. Perhaps because I do believe that life is meant for so much more. Yet, we all look for it everywhere and in everything.

    Relationships, love, insight, happiness… attraction. What do all these things mean, where do they come from… What do they all have in common?

    They all represent us as individuals, on the inside. On some level.

    I should stop. Sorry for the long response. oops. I leave you with this.

    Fish and Chips. 🙂 You’re welcome!

    I loved that 😀 Have a terrific weekend

    • J March 18, 2010 at 7:18 pm

      Enreal. Never hold back what is on your mind. I am always willing to listen to what you have to say so please ….go for it!!

      I have always felt that these things happen for a reason or a purpose and while this may take a while to discover it has never discouraged me from looking for the reason. I do think you make a great point similar to Robert’s above, that they all represent us on some level.

      Being on my own has had a lot of benefits, without which this part of my journey may never have started. I enjoy my own company, most of the time!!!

      As for Mr “Fish & Chips”, I haven’t seen him since then but I am fairly confident I will have another story to tell next time he manages to corner me..

      Thank you for being

  2. shiona March 12, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    I have often thought about the type of attraction you are talking about because it happens to me a lot. It might appear to occur without a reason, but I’m sure there is a good reason for it. Only we don’t always recognize it. I believe in the theory that we all give out signals through our non-verbal behavior and perceive similar signal from others which we register on a non-conscious level. Everything about us is indicative of who we are. Our reasoning may be wrong but our intuition is never misled by masks and pretence.
    I am often approached by strangers, especially ones with a story to tell. Unconventional, extraordinary and even slightly crazy characters come up to me and start talking as if they knew me already. Sometimes it is difficult to get rid of them. I think this is because they have the ability to read my signals and my signals tell them that I am inclined to listen to them. And that’s what they look for.
    I share your attitude to relationships entirely.

    • J March 18, 2010 at 7:20 pm

      ‘d like to think that there’s a reason for experiencing this and I do agree with non verbal signals being a part of it as well signals received on a non-conscious level.

      I’d love to hear some of the stories you have experienced with these (sometimes eccentric) characters 😀


  3. Robert Longpré March 12, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Hi J. As you would likely expect, I am framing my response in Jungian terms. Attraction isn’t about beauty or looks as you correctly noted. It is about something “more,” something deeper. I would have to say that what you see in others that is “attracting” you are aspects of your shadow self. You see in others what is denied in self. At one extreme, it is love at first sight, and at the other end it is perhaps an affinity or a sense of discomfort that builds a bit of distance. If you want to know more of this stuff, check out Robert A. Johnson’s books. He has a few very small books: We, He, and She (yes, they are three separate books).

    • J March 18, 2010 at 7:22 pm

      Hi Robert,

      I would have been surprised had you not framed your response in Jungian terms, but that as far as I am concerned is a good thing as I know I will take something away from it to ponder further.
      “You see in others what is denied in self” this does make a lot of sense to me and I have been looking into Robert A Johnson (thanks for the recommendation) and those 3 books, which are now on my list of books to get hold of… I am currently taking my time with Daryl Sharpe..
      I hope you are still enjoying the climate of Costa Rica..

  4. saffy March 13, 2010 at 12:07 am

    I’ve long since stopped questioning why i’m ‘attracted’ to certain people…it is what it is…but as you so rightly pointed out, it isn’t usually the physical…some of the most beautiful people i’ve known wouldn’t be considered such by society…me thinks most people reach a stage whereby…even unconsciously…they begin to understand we are all connected…& when that happens it is almost impossible not to open your heart to encompass all…see the beauty in all..& by doing so you in turn start to ‘attract’ those that sense that your open heart…& indeed the beauty of you…and so endeth the waffle…hehehe

    • J March 18, 2010 at 7:25 pm

      it is what it is…indeed….and I agree that on some level we are all connected..

      I very much enjoyed the waffle..thanks Saffy

  5. mysoul March 13, 2010 at 2:11 am

    I read this and think – Thank Heavens I am not alone. It happens and I have stopped questioning it and begun to enjoy it(most times). Maybe the universe knows something and doesnt want me knowing it. I can live with that. Attraction has never been ALL about looks for as long as I have begun understanding things around me. There is always that Something you cant quite put your finger on that brings that instant “I know you, yet I dont know you and want to know more” in the mind. Most times such an exchange of energy leaves me feeling happy without reason. So I welcome it.

    • J March 18, 2010 at 7:28 pm

      You are not alone…I do welcome these bizarre incidents and they do quite often put a smile on my face, at least once I have “escaped”..

  6. viv66 March 14, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    I’ve thought about this deeply and I may write a post about this when I catch up with myself. Ask me when we talk next about Hamish Fulton and the stoat.

  7. Pingback: Seeing visions, Hamish Fulton and a stoat « Zen and the art of tightrope walking

  8. vanessaleighsblog March 15, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Hey J:

    Great post, and really got me thinking! I have the same experiences a lot of the time, and when I tune in on such a person when out and about, I almost find myself staring at them, though not meaning to. Trying to figure it out.

    The work that I am now doing via life coaching is helping me to understand that all that occurs we choose; we author our own lives, so there is something about each of these persons, that you are attracted to and that gravitate to you, that you are in charge of. So, to me that would mean that there is something in each of those experiences which you are seeking to answer, or explore. It is your way to find out about you, and the world.

    Thanks for writing about it so thoroughly; it really gave me some good insight!!!

    • J March 18, 2010 at 7:37 pm

      I try my best not to stare but I do find it difficult not to at times..
      I do, as it has been mentioned before, believe that these encounters happens for a reason and often contain a message or an answer….

      Look forward to hear more about your journey…

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