Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

Change

“A wise guru sat sunning himself under an oak tree. The guru was evidently wise, since he earned a living sunning himself under an oak tree. A young man approached the guru and asked….”wise guru, how can I find happiness?”

“Pay me”, said the guru “and I’ll tell you”

The young man reached for his cash and handed over a large bundle of notes.

“It’s simple” said the guru. “You will never FIND happiness. Nor will you ever FIND health. Nor respect. Nor time. All of these are by-products of what you do. Pay attention to what you do, and these things will appear of their own accord.”

I was reading through some training material at work where the above anecdote was taken from. It got me thinking though;

I am currently working a job that I don’t really enjoy doing. A job that gives me very little fulfilment and very little satisfaction. The things that made me feel good in the past, means very little to me now. The people higher up than me in the hierarchy wants me to do more and more, improve my performance, constantly raising the bar, but they in turn are subject to the same or more pressure from their peers. In truth, I am tired of being thought of as a production machine. In fact I am getting tired of the whole corporate management structure with bosses sounding like a broken record saying the same irrelevant things over and over again, each just desperately trying to justify their own purpose in the corporate machine.

I could go on a long rant about this and get it off my chest but I have done enough of that and feel it is the wrong use of my time and energy and in the end I would be ranting about a system that is flawed and a system I am powerless to change, so for now….no ranting. (I promise!)

I am better off trying to figure out what would give me a sense of purpose and fulfilment from a work perspective.

Whenever I have asked myself what I’d like to do with my life I have always drawn a blank but perhaps I have been thinking about it from the wrong angle being focused purely on employed work or a career as defined by society.

If I had the choice of doing anything I wanted and did not need to get paid for it what would I do?

I would spend more time writing

I would spend more time playing around with web design

I would spend more time learning (I have plenty of topics I’d love to learn more about)

I would spend more time creating music

Now I am not delusional to the point where I am going to quit my job and hope for the best, but I am convinced that there is a better way of life for me.

I know of people who are living a very comfortable life doing what they really love doing, so why couldn’t this become my reality??

I am not talking about being a famous actor or writer or musician. I have no desire for fame.

I did think about taking a course in counselling as I seem to have a very strong desire to help other people. However, a very dear friend pointed out to me, the fact that this type of work could potentially have a negative impact on my own life in that I have a tendency to put everyone else’s problems before my own and that I could end up hiding from my own problems as a by-product of such a profession. I hadn’t really thought about it from that perspective, but she makes an extremely valid point that I need to think about in greater detail.

I was reading a post on enreal’s blog in which the following line really hit the nail on the head for me in terms of what I would love to do; “How I would love to be at home and be able to write and read and learn my life away…”

This is just music to my ears and every time I read this it sends me into a day dream of earning a decent living from doing just that. Reading it makes me smile and makes me feel really good.

Could it be possible to do this?

I refuse to believe it is impossible.

Obviously, I have a lot of unanswered questions around how this could become a reality for me, but should this discourage me from trying? I guess some people (including a part of me) may want to discourage me from trying, as a way of protecting me from failure and disappointment. However, I have failed at things my whole life. I am not saying this in a negative context. I have succeeded at things too, but success usually always followed some kind of failure.

I have always been extremely good at starting things and extremely bad at following through on things. Keeping this blog alive, is probably the only example of something I have managed to keep going without it being a task to complete. There were a couple of times where I was close to giving up on it but thanks to a very kind comment I didn’t, and now this has become my favourite activity.

I could be totally and completely wrong here and set myself up for massive failure and disappointment. However, I really have nothing to lose by trying.

I have no idea, at this point, on how to do it, but at least for the first time in my life a clarity of what gives me a sense of purpose seems to have been brought into my awareness.

I also fully realise that should I decide to explore this further, I will have a lot to learn, but in all honesty, this has left me feeling excited and motivated. A motivation and excitement I have not felt since getting involved with getting a friend’s book published.

I am also fully aware that this will present me with endless challenges and set backs and I know there will be times when I may feel ready to throw in the towel.

I may even give up at the first hurdle, but if I don’t try, it will remain nothing more than a day dream.

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10 responses to “Change

  1. Mysoul March 25, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Here’s another that I read along the same lines.

    http://absurdistry.wordpress.com/

    This is the state of many I know(including myself). You speak for me, when You say, I would do writing and learning about stuff. I would also include travelling.

    Whatever you choose to do, do it to the best of your ability.
    There is a saying back home where I come from
    “Only the one riding the horse in battle would fall, have you ever seen a crawling man fall?” So dont be afraid of the fall, get on that horse. :).

    • J March 26, 2010 at 10:45 pm

      Thank you for the link, I really enjoyed reading it and had to add him to my links as I want to go back and read more..

      The desire to write and learn more is getting stronger. I also agree with you on the travelling (can’t believe I left that one out!!!) I am taking it slowly as I have a habit of sometimes getting ahead of myself. With regards to the horse…I may start with a pony 😉

  2. enreal March 26, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Change is a funny thing. I have always feared change and I have always dreamed of change. I simply don’t know what to do to change. I sometimes tell myself I am happy in my life so I don’t have to face my life… I know all the reasoning behind my fears… childhood traumas, disappointments and such, yet there is something in me that is screaming for me to awaken.

    “I may even give up at the first hurdle, but if I don’t try, it will remain nothing more than a day dream”

    At least you’re trying… at least you have that courage… don’t be so hard on yourself. there is always someone, somewhere who may be trapped behind invisible expectations and restrictions… and there maybe someone out there who will find your words empowering… I do… so for now I will print this and keep it next to the other list I have on my wall… “Beginning to accept”… do you remember writing that? its on my wall… next to my computer! Now when I can begin to accept all which you have, I will be ok… and when I will look upon this and realize that change can happen… I will be ok.

    J~ you are incredible 🙂

    • J March 26, 2010 at 11:58 pm

      Change is a funny thing and at times scary too, but then again, is it the change itself or the uncertainty? Sometimes things change for the worse and sometimes for the better. I seem to have been conditioned to always expect the worst as far as change is concerned and I am having to work very hard to stop myself from this automatic way of thinking. I experience irrational fears on a regular basis as well as anxiety and yet I will often opt for the flight instead of the fight and just hide away.

      I often try to convince myself that I should stop complaining and instead be grateful for the fact that I have a job, but it has never worked. When I read you post (and that line) a while back, for the first time in as long as I can remember I had a very clear image of what I really want to do…..”write and read and learn my life away” and it has been on my mind ever since. It is thanks to your words I got very clear about what I really want to do and I am eternally grateful.

      I remember “Beginning to accept” although I have very little conscious memory of tha actual writing of it. It was one of those times when it kind of took on a life of its own. One important thing to remember is the word “beginning” in that I have not fully accepted but I am beginning to one step at the time…

      You are the incredible one…

      • enreal March 27, 2010 at 2:03 am

        I feel sad when I read that line… I wish I could, but could I really do what I wish? sometimes the desire is so strong that I want to shout at the world what I feel inside. there is the reasoning behind why I write… I have freedom, it is my stepping out of my world and into my words… I take flight! that is why I read, so I can find refuge in another mind… that is why I learn, for maybe one day I shall find the answers and knowledge I am looking for…

        I can not remember the beginning of anything… only a clear vision of a possible end… this is bad, don’t you think? :/

        I can’t lie to myself in words, maybe in life… but words are a pure form. like your words for instance. they hold a great energy… and one day, I believe you shall have your dreams. I can envision it, can you?

        • J March 28, 2010 at 9:28 am

          “I feel sad when I read that line…I wish I could, but could I really do what I wish?”

          You have such a pure and beautiful talent and I know that I am not alone in this viewpoint. As I mentioned in that particular post, I would buy your writing anytime, I sincerely mean that.

          I have sought refuge on your blog so many times and still do and your words have such a lovely and calming effect on me.

  3. tobeme March 26, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    The key is not to worry about the “how” the “how” will come. Visualize and take action one step at a time and you will create the reality you desire and when you look back you will then understand the “how”.

    • J March 27, 2010 at 12:05 am

      I understand about the how and have come to realise how often I thought of the how as one step instead of a series of steps. I am going to take it slowly for once…small steps…no rush..

  4. shiona March 27, 2010 at 7:37 am

    Recently I’ve had quite a few examples of people making their dreams come true against all odds. I wondered how they made it and the answer that came to me was because they believed in it. They believed so strongly that they didn’t give up even though they had to try continuously and people tried to discourage them. I don’t mean that this is all it takes to make your dreams reality, but it appears to be an extremely important element, like the propeller that pushes things forward.
    With me, every time I’ve wanted to achieve something significant, usually involving a serious change, I have been overwhelmed by negative thoughts that set me back. Doubt, fear, lack of self-confidence, and mere laziness make it seem unfeasible and therefore I do nothing or little to realize my desires. As you say, they stay in the realm of day-dreaming.
    But I know sometimes all it takes to believe in yourself is someone to believe in you. So, you see, everyone here has given you their support thus making it easier for you to cast doubts and gain faith that you are on the right way. Good luck! 🙂
    XXX

    • J March 28, 2010 at 9:37 am

      “Doubt, fear, lack of self-confidence, and mere lazines”
      All of these feelings are so familiar to me and have always managed to discourage me from even trying sending me back to the day dream..

      At the moment, my thoughts are that if I try and fail and end up back where I started, then I haven’t lost anything other than time perhaps.

      Thank you Shiona
      XXX

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