Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

Home again

I abandoned this place, my second home and I have missed it.

I made the mistake of inviting someone in to this home. Someone I thought I could trust, someone I thought was a friend. It appears that I was naïve (yet again) in placing my trust in this person! Maybe one day I will learn!

This place became my therapy as well as the space to make sense of my thoughts and ever since I made it private I have felt kind of lost. I tried to create various new spaces for myself, most of which died after the third post. A few remains alive but only to the few people who know about them.

I have finally come to the conclusion that this is my home and that I am allowed to have a voice in this world. You may like what I have to say, you may not.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I am a firm believer in freedom of speech, although for a while, I seem to have excluded myself from this belief. I often found myself censoring my writing from fear of upsetting someone and from fear of facing the consequences of exercising my right to freedom of speech.

I have spent far too much time worrying about what other people may think about me and what I have to say and I feel the time has come to allow myself to be me. If anyone has a problem with that, well….it remains their problem.

What other people think of me is none of my business!

There’s an element of anger within me as I am writing this, an anger mostly directed at myself for not having had the courage to stand up for what I believe in and for always turning the other cheek without question, until I was alone.

I am home again, but I may be a slightly different J to the one who left a few months ago! I am not implying that I have somehow (as if by magic) transformed into a perfect and complete person during the past few months! I haven’t and I never will, but I may be a little more daring in expressing my thoughts instead of constantly censoring myself from fear that it may upset whoever choose to read. It doesn’t mean I have stopped caring about other people’s feelings nor does it mean I am starting a crusade to write with the intention of upsetting anyone, but it does mean that I want to stop sacrificing and hurting myself at the expense of avoiding a potential argument.

As some of you know, I have been a seeker of approval from others my entire life, which to some extent may continue to be the case, but I am now beginning to accept (yeah I know I wrote that a while ago but yet again I failed to follow my own example!) and allow myself to be me. I mostly operate from a place of kindness and compassion and rarely show my shadow side, except to a few, but it is the shadow side of me that has taught me the most about who I am and I no longer see the need to hide that side of me. I have been judged by so many people. I have been referred to as useless, a failure, incompetent and worse but I have come to the point where I no longer care.

If you want to judge me, be my guest.

I am human: I make mistakes and I fail on a regular basis, the consequences of which I have always taken. More importantly, it is through my mistakes and failures I have learned the most. I may be a failure and quite frankly, I actually prefer being branded a failure than what our current society deems a success.

As for “Control Your Destiny”, the original title of this blog and one of the reasons I wanted to delete this blog, I have come to realise that I was a very different person when I started it, and despite the strong temptation to delete earlier posts that, to this day, make me cringe, I realise that it was an important part of my journey and I want the journey to continue..

You have an open invitation to join me if you like.

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19 responses to “Home again

  1. Mysoul November 7, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Welcome Home! :)..Glad to see you in my neighbourhood ;).

  2. Madddy November 7, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    Welcome back. I was waiting for the doors to open!!

    Be yourself. Whatever you have experienced in the last few weeks and reasons made you to come is very good for you!! Keep pouring your thought!!

  3. Viv November 7, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    woohooo!!!
    You’re back you’re back
    I shall hug you so hard your ribs will ache. Don’t do this to me again. Please!!
    xxxx

  4. Viv November 7, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    For you I shall be gentle. I sometimes don’t know my own strength.
    xxx

  5. Karin November 9, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Hi, interesting post. Look forward to reading what lies ahead. No need to retrace steps. I can understand what you say about the feeling of holding back on a blog – it’s a strange place to welcome people especially strangers as I have reflected on my own. Good luck with your renewed venture.
    Karin

    • J November 9, 2010 at 10:50 pm

      Hi Karin and thank you for coming by.

      For me I have found it harder to let people in I know in my “physical” world rather than strangers. With strangers I could remain anonymous to some extent.

      Who knows where this will lead to..

      J

      • Karin November 10, 2010 at 12:11 am

        Hi
        I have found through my blog that some of the people I ‘know’ are actually more like strangers, and strangers have become friends. Blogs are strange places, they add a whole new dimension to life. Not knowing where this will lead to, holds a lot of promise.

        • J November 10, 2010 at 8:47 am

          For me Strangers have definitely become friends and the kind of friends i would never have imagined before I ventured into the blogging world. It really does, as you say, add a whole new dimension to life..

  6. Th Eternal Omniscient Sage November 10, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Hi, Nice to see Journey of Life back in my mail box!
    I am sensitive to others’ comments, particularly critical ones – and especially those I think I either didn’t deserve or that had been written/spoken in haste when the speaker was just plain wrong and so angry that trying to continue the conversation and unravel it all was not worth the personal hassle. But lately- and at my age, very late – I am starting to realise that it is Me who is so judgemental of me. I tried an on line “self-compassion” quiz and came out way on the wing. Maybe I don’t like some comments because they somehow feed into what Me is already saying to me?

    • J November 10, 2010 at 10:59 pm

      Hi Ian,

      I am sensitive to critical comments too but more than that, I often blindly accept the criticism without questioning the validity of the comment(s). In my day job I am often on the receiving end of angry and disrespectful criticism for reasons that never warrants this kind of behaviour.
      As I mentioned in the post, I have made mistakes and I will continue to do so but on that note I do think you make a good point that resonates with me in that I don’t like some comments for similar reasons to you.

  7. Shiona November 12, 2010 at 8:34 am

    So happy to see you back here!
    🙂

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