I abandoned this place, my second home and I have missed it.
I made the mistake of inviting someone in to this home. Someone I thought I could trust, someone I thought was a friend. It appears that I was naïve (yet again) in placing my trust in this person! Maybe one day I will learn!
This place became my therapy as well as the space to make sense of my thoughts and ever since I made it private I have felt kind of lost. I tried to create various new spaces for myself, most of which died after the third post. A few remains alive but only to the few people who know about them.
I have finally come to the conclusion that this is my home and that I am allowed to have a voice in this world. You may like what I have to say, you may not.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I am a firm believer in freedom of speech, although for a while, I seem to have excluded myself from this belief. I often found myself censoring my writing from fear of upsetting someone and from fear of facing the consequences of exercising my right to freedom of speech.
I have spent far too much time worrying about what other people may think about me and what I have to say and I feel the time has come to allow myself to be me. If anyone has a problem with that, well….it remains their problem.
What other people think of me is none of my business!
There’s an element of anger within me as I am writing this, an anger mostly directed at myself for not having had the courage to stand up for what I believe in and for always turning the other cheek without question, until I was alone.
I am home again, but I may be a slightly different J to the one who left a few months ago! I am not implying that I have somehow (as if by magic) transformed into a perfect and complete person during the past few months! I haven’t and I never will, but I may be a little more daring in expressing my thoughts instead of constantly censoring myself from fear that it may upset whoever choose to read. It doesn’t mean I have stopped caring about other people’s feelings nor does it mean I am starting a crusade to write with the intention of upsetting anyone, but it does mean that I want to stop sacrificing and hurting myself at the expense of avoiding a potential argument.
As some of you know, I have been a seeker of approval from others my entire life, which to some extent may continue to be the case, but I am now beginning to accept (yeah I know I wrote that a while ago but yet again I failed to follow my own example!) and allow myself to be me. I mostly operate from a place of kindness and compassion and rarely show my shadow side, except to a few, but it is the shadow side of me that has taught me the most about who I am and I no longer see the need to hide that side of me. I have been judged by so many people. I have been referred to as useless, a failure, incompetent and worse but I have come to the point where I no longer care.
If you want to judge me, be my guest.
I am human: I make mistakes and I fail on a regular basis, the consequences of which I have always taken. More importantly, it is through my mistakes and failures I have learned the most. I may be a failure and quite frankly, I actually prefer being branded a failure than what our current society deems a success.
As for “Control Your Destiny”, the original title of this blog and one of the reasons I wanted to delete this blog, I have come to realise that I was a very different person when I started it, and despite the strong temptation to delete earlier posts that, to this day, make me cringe, I realise that it was an important part of my journey and I want the journey to continue..
You have an open invitation to join me if you like.