We are already 2 days into 2010 and I wanted to take some time to reflect on 2009 before placing it in the box of the past.
2009 was a strange year for me, more so than any other year before it. It appears, through conversations with friends, that I am not alone in this viewpoint.
It was a year of change both internally and externally.
A year of highs and lows, which on reflection, counted more lows than highs but that said I also know that at some stage in future I will come to realize and understand the reasons for the lows and the lessons they contained.
The beginning of the year brought about a lot of stress in the work arena in the shape of threats of redundancy. At the time this filled me with fear of losing my job as well as anger and resentment towards my employer at the time. I escaped redundancy but resigned 6 months later after I finally admitted to myself that no job is worth the negative impact it had on my health and personal life. I now understand how easily I let myself become trapped in this job and hope that I am now able to spot the signs sooner should they occur again.
Leaving that job also meant saying goodbye to people I had become close to, however, more interestingly was some rather irrational feelings of guilt. I felt guilty for having resigned as if I was responsible for the people left behind, which begs the question; why do I impose responsibilities on myself over which I have no control? This is a question I have yet to find an answer to.
However, work was only a small part of the roller coaster of 2009. The biggest part was coming to grips with being me, and the constant chatter in my mind, for which the only outlet seemed to be this place. Having had this outlet though, has in many ways been my saviour as well as therapy for me because by writing I managed to get some of the chatter out of my head and through the writing, answers started to appear. It helped me to focus inwards as opposed to look for answers and magic pill solutions externally. It made me open my eyes to the more sinister side to the self help industry, which initially made me want to start a crusade against every self help guru until I realized this was an automatic reaction of anger and bitterness, mostly directed at myself for having been so naïve for so long. Better late than never as the saying goes!!
I read a post from January last year in which I wrote that my New Years resolution would be to enjoy the journey rather than focus on the end result. Did I achieve that? No! But from where I am now that is not really as important as the acceptance of the fact that the journey is never mapped out. The journey (at least for me) constantly changes and for me it is the awareness of the fact that it can change in a heartbeat that may just help make it easier for me to enjoy it.
2009 also became the year I felt this blog took on a life of its own after I realized that the end result I had hoped for when I started it wasn’t going to happen. This will explain
After that I was able to write what was on my mind with no hidden agenda, the act of which taught me honesty with myself and that I was allowed to have a voice and an opinion.
I also allowed myself to open up to people in my physical world and some got access to this blog. It was frightening and yet liberating especially when I discovered that the judgment I feared was non-existent.
But the highlight of the year for me was all of you. The friends I made through the blogging world. Friends I would never have met in the physical world. Friends who I feel very lucky to have “nearly” met. Your kindness and wisdom helped me on this journey. Your posts and comments have been an endless source of inspiration to me and I feel privileged, honoured and extremely grateful.
The journey continues….