I feel different in myself and I have been for the past 3 days. I don’t really know how to explain it, not even to myself, and perhaps there is no need to explain it at all but I still feel a need to at least try to understand.
I feel calm and at ease. The anxiety I used to feel every day has been non existent for the past three days but I am catching myself looking for it as a way of making sure I am not pretending or thinking it is gone forever, but it’s nowhere to be found at the moment.
Discomforts I have felt in my body for a while, but have been too afraid to get checked out, have disappeared. However, I have now made the decision to go for a check up.
I don’t exactly feel happy. Happy is not the right word to describe how I feel. I feel I am where I am supposed to be right now and I have not felt that way for a very long time, but I also feel a sense of relief. A relief from trying to be someone I am not, relief from the chatter in my mind. The chatter is still there but not as forceful as before. However, I am puzzled because I have no idea this change has come from. I have no idea what this means right now and I am in no rush. I will just gently keep asking questions.
I thought perhaps it could have something to do with spring starting to arrive here and everything looking brighter, but that doesn’t fully explain it to me. It doesn’t convince me. It is more than that.
It feels like some unwanted entity, that somehow became a part of me, has now left me alone and yet I am not sure exactly what that means or what to do. Maybe there is nothing for me to do other than enjoying this feeling of peace within myself for as long as it may last, and I am enjoying it but at the same time I find myself trying to prepare for the next “invasion” of anxiety, isolation, quiet desperation and dark moods.
Perhaps this is just time for me to recharge.
I do realise that some people may think I should be sectioned under the mental health act based on what I have just written, and if that is the case so be it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Perhaps as time goes on, more of the pieces will come together and when they do, I hope I will be sufficiently aware to notice.
For now, I will embrace and enjoy this feeling even if I don’t understand it.