Journey of Life

the place formerly known as control your destiny

Tag Archives: emotion

Diary of a Madman

Screaming at the window
Watch me die another day
Hopeless situation endless price I have to pay

Sanity now it’s beyond me there’s no choice

Diary of a madman
Walk the line again today
Entries of confusion
Dear diary I’m here to stay

Manic depression befriends me
Hear his voice
Sanity now it’s beyond me
There’s no choice

A sickened mind and spirit
The mirror tells me lies
Could I mistake myself for someone
Who lives behind my eyes
Will he escape my soul
Or will he live in me
Is he tryin’ to get out or tryin’ to enter me

Voices in the darkness
Scream away my mental health
Can I ask a question
To help me save me from myself

Enemies fill up the pages
Are they me
Monday till Sunday in stages

Set me free

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Feeling Different

I feel different in myself and I have been for the past 3 days. I don’t really know how to explain it, not even to myself, and perhaps there is no need to explain it at all but I still feel a need to at least try to understand.

I feel calm and at ease. The anxiety I used to feel every day has been non existent for the past three days but I am catching myself looking for it as a way of making sure I am not pretending or thinking it is gone forever, but it’s nowhere to be found at the moment.

Discomforts I have felt in my body for a while, but have been too afraid to get checked out, have disappeared. However, I have now made the decision to go for a check up.

I don’t exactly feel happy. Happy is not the right word to describe how I feel. I feel I am where I am supposed to be right now and I have not felt that way for a very long time, but I also feel a sense of relief. A relief from trying to be someone I am not, relief from the chatter in my mind. The chatter is still there but not as forceful as before. However, I am puzzled because I have no idea this change has come from. I have no idea what this means right now and I am in no rush. I will just gently keep asking questions.

I thought perhaps it could have something to do with spring starting to arrive here and everything looking brighter, but that doesn’t fully explain it to me. It doesn’t convince me. It is more than that.

It feels like some unwanted entity, that somehow became a part of me, has now left me alone and yet I am not sure exactly what that means or what to do. Maybe there is nothing for me to do other than enjoying this feeling of peace within myself for as long as it may last, and I am enjoying it but at the same time I find myself trying to prepare for the next “invasion” of anxiety, isolation, quiet desperation and dark moods.

Perhaps this is just time for me to recharge.

I do realise that some people may think I should be sectioned under the mental health act based on what I have just written, and if that is the case so be it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Perhaps as time goes on, more of the pieces will come together and when they do, I hope I will be sufficiently aware to notice.

For now, I will embrace and enjoy this feeling even if I don’t understand it.

Beginning to Accept

I am beginning to accept that I am different to the people around me.

I am beginning to accept who I am and that I am allowed to have a voice and an opinion.

I am beginning to understand that I do not have to agree to everyone else’s viewpoint.

I am beginning to accept that there will be good days and bad day and days in between.

I am beginning to accept that a state of permanent happiness is a fruitless quest.

I am beginning to accept anxiety for what it is without the need to analyze why it is.

I am beginning to accept the endless questions without the need for immediate answers.

I am beginning to accept that the expectation of permanent happiness leads to disappointment.

I am beginning to understand that my mood is not a permanent thing

I am beginning to understand that I am in perpetual motion. Constantly changing, constantly growing, constantly learning.

I am beginning to accept my shadow side, the part of me I have wanted to hide for so long.

I am beginning to accept that maybe I am just here to experience and learn.

I am beginning to understand that sometimes things just happens for no reason.

I am beginning to understand that I am the one looking for reasons when things happen.

I am beginning to enjoy the things I took for granted. Taking a deep breath and feeling it. Beginning to enjoy walking in the rain and feeling the rain drops on my face, the beauty of a flower or a tree, the sound of a flowing river or the sound of waves crashing on a beach.

I am beginning to enjoy being loving towards myself.

I am beginning to  understand that the end is just a new beginning.

I am beginning to understand that it’s the journey that’s important.

I am beginning….

to accept….

me

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