Listening

The following “dialogue” is an entry from my personal journal written two weeks ago.

Posting it didn’t feel right until now.

Why am I feeling so empty inside? What pain did I try to numb? What need am I trying to fulfill?

I feel like I am going through some never ending endurance test and I am lost and confused.

You know the answers

Where are they? What are they?

you know the answers!

I feel alone

You are never alone! I am always here and I love you.

Who are you?

The real you, the one who knows your pain and joy.

Then who am I?

We are the same but you buried me in your hibernation.

I am afraid

It’s ok to be afraid

Keep writing

Don’t force it just write what springs to mind no need to edit this is just for you.

I don’t like what I have become!

What you have become is just packaging. The you I see every day is the you that cares deeply for other people, who is always a shoulder to cry on. You forgot about me though. I need your love too and so do you.

I feel lighter

I know

Baby steps

I am proud of you

Why?

I could go on for ever but that will wake your ego up and besides you already know why

I know!

Then why did you ask?

Because I wanted to hear it. I wanted validation.

Then say it out loud or write it down for others to see. What are you proud of right now?

I am proud that I have made my decision to quit smoking public?

Why are you proud of that?

because I now know that I have burned all bridges behind me and can’t go back on that decision.

Good

I still wonder what I am doing?

You know what you are doing but in case you have forgotten. You are learning to be you.

What does that mean?

You are allowed in this world. You are allowed to have a voice. You are allowed to have a point of view and an opinion. There is no right or wrong remember?

Why the pain?

Can you honestly say you are feeling pain or is it imagination to again get some sympathy or approval?

It’s as if I don’t believe in myself and then need someone to confirm I am on the right path.

You are on the right path but there are more bridges to burn.

I know and it frightens me

You are not alone!

I am glad you chose to listen and do this.

I  feel as if I am going mad

You are not, but honesty can be hard to deal with and just for the record; you don’t need approval from external sources.

Why do I feel I do?

Why do you think?

Because when I don’t listen to you I forget

Forget what?

Forget that you are here and that I am ok

Then why do you try so hard to shut me up

because……I don’t know

Yes you do know

Cause I wanted to believe

Wanted to believe what

I wanted to believe in what I had read the last 5 years of my life and now I feel the last 5 years has been a waste

It was part of your learning

But why did it take me so long to realise?

Who said it did?

Read the email from Viv, it will help you understand.

There are people around you that are helping you and it is worth paying attention to what they have to tell you.

And you are also beginning to understand that it is safe to let people get to know the real you.

Slow down there is no finishing line!

Disorders in the American Court

This is from an email I received the other day;

These cross-examinations, are taken from a book, called ‘Disorders in the American Court ‘.
They are statements made in court, purportedly, word for word, taken down at the time, and published now by Court Reporters, who had the torment to stay calm, and controlled, while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITN ESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do..
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_________ ____________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr… Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________ _________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was a live when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Abstract Conversation

Often when I travel through the blogosphere I land on posts that are just little gems hidden within the blog, especially if they are not on the front page of the blog or featured in the top posts. There is so much wisdom and beauty available out there and I intend to spend some more time going beyond just the most recent posts.

Thankfully by being pointed in the direction of a particular series of posts I found a treasure that just blew my mind.

Please let me introduce you to Enreal and her Abstract Conversation

Tourniquet

I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
so much more
I lay dying
and I’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

I want to die!!!

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will I be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide