Since “Back to the Floor” and “A New Beginning” there’s been a lot of thoughts flying around in my head. I am still very excited at the prospect of a new beginning but at the same time, one of the recurring thoughts has been why? Why did I get myself so stressed out to the point where it affected the quality of my life? Not just at work but at home too and to the point where I wanted out? Will it be much different where I am going?
While every issue in the letter in “Back to the Floor” is a huge frustration in my life, I may have forgotten to look at my own reactions to these issues. I may have forgotten to look in the mirror and ask honestly of myself if there might have been things I could have done better, if there might have been situations I could have reacted to differently! The answer of course is yes, but at the time I was so stuck inside that frame of mind I couldn’t see the beyond that. By saying this I am not suggesting that the system is all of a sudden ok! It definitely is not (at least not in my opinion) and I doubt it ever will be hence the reason i started looking elsewhere.
There is, however, an important issue I think i need to address as unless I do, I fear similar frustrations could resurface no matter where I end up working. That issue is how I deal with conflict, which I guess is linked to a need for approval, which I have written enough about. The purpose of this is to get honest with myself about a few things and maybe I should write this in my journal rather than here as it may not make a lot of sense to anyone. On the other hand, by writing it here, maybe I will be lucky enough to get a different perspective from anyone who chooses to read this.
I could transcribe countless conversations I have had with clients where things haven’t quite gone the way they had hoped. Because they can’t speak to the decision maker or can’t get any sense out of the staff in the foreign call centre, the call ends up on my phone, to the extent that my default reaction when my phone rings at work these days is; BAD NEWS. I realise that this is something I need to address as well. The conversations usually takes the path of me listening to whoever calls me, I let them vent their frustration at me, sometimes in a calm and respectful manner but more often in an aggressive, loud and threatening manner as if I am the one person to blame for their every problem. On a few occassions I have felt strong enough to give them one warning before terminating the call and not pick up further calls from that particular individual, but most of the time I freeze into a state of paralysis where I have no idea what to say and just listening in hope that the call will end soon. At the end I sometimes wonder if I really was the one at fault, which then leads me down the path of fear that the client will file a complaint and that I may lose my job… you see where this leads!
I am a very laid back person and I try to see the good in every person I meet. I also generally believe that there is good in every person, but I think that I need to find out if this line of work really is for me and if it is I think I need to toughen up and learn how to be a hell of a lot more assertive. I am tired of letting people walk all over me out of fear of what may or may not happen as a consequense of being true to myself.
Last Christmas, one of the presents from my brother was a dvd boxed set of the first 3 seasons of a show called “Entourage”
I generally do not watch a lot of TV and prior to opening the present I was ignorant to the fact that this show existed. My brother also introduced me to LOST which I really do love. Every time we spoke on the phone after Christmas he always asked what I though of it, and I kept telling him I hadn’t had the time to watch it. In truth, I thought it was a show purely geared around celebrities and their lifestyles and I didn’t want to waste my time watching it. Funny how assumptions work!! After a few months I gave in and watched it, mostly because I felt guilty for not showing my gratitude by at least giving it a try before judging it!! Now I absolutely love it. I watched those first 3 seasons so many times and still find new experiences with every viewing.
However, this is not about promoting this show but, for those of you who have not seen it, it is geared around a “movie star” and his socalled entourage, which consists of his brother and 2 childhood friends. Their agent, however, is the link to what I am trying to get at. This character’s name is Ari Gold, who is probably the rudest and least caring person anyone could ever hope to meet (at least on the surface). 
If you search “Ari Gold” in YouTubeyou may get an idea. However, he does have qualities that I think I could learn from especially the way he never lets anyone walk all over him and the way he enters in to confrontation with complete confidence while staying true to his values or beliefs. Every time I watch the sequences he is in I notice my mind associating it with how a lot of those not so pleasant conversations at my work could have left me feeling less critical and more loving of myself and how a lot of the problems I had to deal which could have been stopped there and then instead of lingering due to me trying to promise to resolve them just to end the conversation, which always resulted in further problems leading to more procrastination and loss of self respect. I know this may not make a lot of sense to anyone other than myself.
I have a colleague who has been signed off due to what I suspect could be similar to what I am feeling. I don’t know for sure but at the moment I feel like unless something changes (including me) I am not far behind.
Most days I feel like a dart board during a world championship! I constantly feel attacked from every angle! From people above me to do more and do better, from clients to get things through quicker and cheaper and solve whatever problems arise, to what I refer to as big brother to ensure that I do not make any mistakes. Do I take on too much responsibility and digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole and if the answer to that is yes (which I think it is) will doing the same job for a different company be much different? From what I know of my potential new employer, a lot of the frustrations would diminish but I will not be guarded from conflict and confrontation!
As Gordon Ramsay would say; maybe it’s time to grow some bollocks!!!
The only question remaining is how?
